Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Same Space

Oh to be a bochur in 770, standing near the Rebbe - standing near the Rebbe! - sucked into holiness until you too are holiness.

Gaze at the Rebbe every minute. But not to look inside during tefillah? Noch when the Rebbe is right there? Here?? But not to behold the Rebbe's face every second we have a chance??!

And so the battle continuess...

But there's another player here. The world. See the world through the eyes of the Rebbe and then you, holiness, can turn world into holiness by virtue of the fact that you've connected with the Rebbe.

Rebbe, siddur, world, Rebbe, siddur, world.

Wonder what I'd do...

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Q. How did one glass break another?
A. It breathed (while the third was in another cabinet).

Such a wretched creature.
So much to fix.
So much messed up character.
Why are these sent into the world?
Arghh no fair

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Good night, Heaven.

Good night, friends and family Up There. 

(Hey what time zone do you follow? I'll say mine.)

Good night, Heaven.

Friday, December 18, 2015

Why The Anger?

Maybe it's cuz death shows we have no control?

So why anger?

Is the anger fear of not having any control?

Is the anger sadness? Maybe the anger is anger?



The five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

(Just remember, "the five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief.")

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Perseverance, Patience and Prayer

You need perseverance, patience and prayer and then things work out.
But really prayer.
(With perseverance and patience.)

Oh please, G-d, let me remember this and better yet please don't test me!!

Tuesday, December 08, 2015

So Much Rage

So much rage
So much rage
So much bitterness, hurt and pain.
So much rage

So much pain
So much pain
So much bitterness, hurt and rage.
So much pain.

So much hurt
So much hurt
So much bitterness, rage and pain.
So much hurt

Just so much rage, bitterness, hurt and pain. So much so much so much pain.

Sunday, December 06, 2015

Friday, December 04, 2015


Sometimes, - like right now - I feel like the imperial representative of Britians's French Connection.

Friday, November 27, 2015

I'm No Man :(

The specialty of the sukkah as an all-embracing medium of connection with G-d is best understood in light of the significance of the “home” to the human being.
Our sages point out how deeply rooted is man’s desire for a home. The desire for a home is much more than the need for shelter and security—the satisfaction of these needs alone, without a plot of land to call one’s own, does not satisfy the craving for a home. The Talmud goes so far as to say that “One who does not possess a homestead is not a man.” The need for a home is intrinsic to the soul of man and a defining aspect of the human state.
Thus, a person’s identification with his home is not confined to the hours he spends within its walls. Also when he is at work, visiting with friends or taking a stroll in the park, it is as the owner of this particular home that he works, visits or strolls. Since his very humanity is incomplete without it, it is part and parcel of everything he does.

 Don't remember where I saw this but I saved it and now I'm sharing it. Me. (I wanna say, "I'm no 'it'" but alas, these words doresh that I don't.) 

So High, So Low by Matisyahu

when the time is right
I'll leave this place tonight just leave everything behind it's time to face my life we’ll trail a path across that gap
and slap back to a crack in time is anyone on the other side? seek and you might find so high, so low I don't know where but we got to got to go there
so high, so low don't know where but we got to got to go there why not give up buck up, drop down why not lie down and never wake up give in give up and don't get up give in to the ground who gives up she is frozen in time behind the enemy line in the nighttime she stares down the highway which way is the right way? walkin through this world on a tightrope a memory door swings both ways in and out
in the outside, buckle up it's gonna be a bumpy ride now it's gonna be a bumpy ride now so high, so low I don't know where but we got to got to go there so high, so low I don't know where but we got to got to go there I am searching for the shade of the tree heard about it from a tune in the breeze they say it exists on the side of the road but which road? nobody was told (so low) all I know is I must find a road that leads where nobody goes (so low) I can roll down all the windows where the wind blows down those fears and foes (so high) so let go of the steering wheel let go, let go (so low)
all I know is I must find a road that leads where nobody goes let go of the steering wheel let go, let go so high, so low I don't know where but we got to got to go there so high so low I don't know where but we got to got to go there


I like the Petramale group these days. Randall, Steve, Fletcher, and the girl whose name nobody can pronounce lol.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Twenty One Freakin Years

Twenty one long long long long years of whining and shouting when in need of something, anything.


Friday, November 20, 2015

Evil is so clearly about to break eternally and is now fighting ferociously with its last breath.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

The Torah forbids jealousy

Furthermore, it doesn't even make sense.
       But still, the 10 puts up a fight.

Monday, November 16, 2015



and I don't even want to stay either

Gd help me

Help me please

Please please please!!!!!!

Thursday, November 12, 2015

He chose her as a shlucha.

Thanks but no thanks.

Pick us for other things.

Revealed good things.

Not stupid missions of death-carrying wombs.

I cry.

Tuesday, November 03, 2015

I lied for peace!!

Woohoo!! Starting my legacy ;)

Joy and Peace.  שמחה ושלום.

Eh, wasn't such a great boxing class.
Partner was weak in holding her gloves up. Frustrated me even as I tried to keep in mind the patience the other guys have for me. I think I was gracious externally. I hope so. I'm glad I (kinda slyly?) just took to the bags at the end. Really like that new combo - jab cross, cross hook, hook cross body body hook cross. Yeaaah! Don't feel sore, stretched or worked out at all but if I recall that He runs the world to make things perfect for me and my mission, then I'm content.

Blessed be His name forever and ever.

Derech Agav, that first comma after "Eh" reminded me of the "," being the punctuation of the introvert tidbit/opinion I just came across.

Derech Chevron, you're in my heart. I wanna be on you super soon and safely on my way to חברון proper. Amen.

Sunday, November 01, 2015

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Sitting Shiva

A cursed blessing.

(I switched it temporarily to a blessed curse cuz it's primarily a curse, it's only blessed under the circumstances. And I'm pretty sure this post came to me as I pondered that it's a blessing for those that need it and it's a curse to need it. It's ok, you needn't be following. This, and all my other words here, are for me.)

הנה לא ינום

It's comforting to know He's up with me now. And always.

Hmm interesting - not only with me but even up with me.

Friday, October 09, 2015

Master of the Universe, 

You don't usually (er ever) consult me when You're plan - making so pardon me for entering uncalled upon.
But, like Esther, I'm here to save my people.
Save one man, one Jewish man, and You'll be saving the world.
You want a home in this world, don't You? You do. Well, he's one of the top builders. Keep him here so long as we're in exile. And keep him here happy and healthy. Seriously, we know You can.

With gratitude, 
Your meek, subdued, defiant, desperate servant.

Friday, October 02, 2015

4 Orphans

four orphans

two words
two quiet words
so loud
so sharp
so dull
so plain
so powerful
so empty
so weak
so strong
so eternal

עד מתי??????

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

He asked me to smile.

If not for His directive to rejoice on these days, I'd have let Sadness and/or Bitterness and/or Depression and/or Self Pity run my show two or more times thus far during this chag.

Tonight I (also literally hehe) kicked three letter donkey.


Boruch hashem.

And it's not only His commandment to rejoice that forces me out of my potential and/or looming misery but it's ANY commandment of His.

He wants me and needs me and that's cause for joy, peace and celebration.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Sunday, August 23, 2015

I love Kohanim

What should I tell you? I have a thing for Kohanim. Strong solid beings of holiness. Love it.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Today's Mitzvot

Negative Commandment 246
Stealing Land
"You shall not move back your neighbor's boundary marker"—Deuteronomy 19:14.
It is forbidden to tamper with a boundary marker separating two parcels of land, so as to claim part of a neighbor's property. One who does so has violated this Torah injunction—in addition to being guilty of theft.
This commandment only applies in the land of Israel. Outside of Israel, one who tampers with a land marker is only guilty of transgressing the generic prohibition against theft.

Negative Commandment 243
"Do not steal"—Exodus 20:13.
It is forbidden to abduct one's fellow.


The first filled me with awe - see how precious our Holy Land, literal land, is.
The second filled me with giggles -short sweet n to the point - and sadness, for those whom have indeed been abducted.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Imagine That..

"The power of imaginative thought is one of the most important faculties of the soul. It can help elevate a person to great levels in his service and understanding of G-d.
The Rebbes of Chabad, very much appreciated those that were blessed with this ability."

- Likutei Dibburim, Vol. 1 Pg. 157

Saturday, August 01, 2015

A Banangrams Observation

Today I heard a most pleasing observation.

" 'Yearning' is sucha Chava word. You're always yearning for better things, for Moshiach..."

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Why Moshe Asked To Die (video lecture)

Video Lecture

I'm speechless.

(wow nice pun there, chav)

G-d, You just blow me away.

So we ARE in a relationship...

- still processing, still processing -

Monday, July 27, 2015

"For a writernothing is ever quite as bad as it is for other people, because, however dreadful, it may be of use."

Alan Bennett said it.

Maybe also for a chossid. Well, every Jew really but they don't all know the secret. 

Reminds me of Yossi Jacobson's maggidim can't properly repent/return because always thinking how they'll use the line next.

My apologies to daughters of G-d who search in vain for titles. Sometimes I just don't feel like capitalizing myself. 

So much for me to process wow.

Monday, July 20, 2015

Let's talk about loneliness

Loneliness is an issue that can be put in a mystical context. Even though it’s mystical, it has deep psychological implications.
For me, personally, the issue is not so much whether we can distract ourselves and find ways to avoid the issue of being alone, which many of us do, but the issue is really an existential one. Existential loneliness essentially means that we are alone in this world. That we’re self-contained human beings.
No matter how much you feel for another person, there’s still a boundary: I’m me and you’re you. And that, when you think about it, has a certain element of pain because it’s something that you can’t get around.
You can party all the time and you can be a happy person, but you can still feel alone. When the Temple was destroyed and the Jews were sittingshiva, their saying Aicha yoshva bodad, “How lonely it is to sit alone,” was the expression of this existential loneliness. With the Temple being destroyed, being torn away from us, we were left with a situation where you suddenly see yourself in a glaring way and you see that I’m not connected.
And that’s what I’m leading to, that loneliness is not just between you and other people. Loneliness can be between you and yourself. You can be very happy being with others and still feel lonely because you’re disconnected from yourself.

Read the full radio show transcript by Simon Jacobson here.

Wednesday, July 01, 2015

I am not sure I can say this without bursting from emotion, but I'll try.

I am in Eretz Yisroel.
I am surrounded by yidden.
I live in our Holy Land, the one G-d promised to Avraham and Yitzchak and Yaakov.
I live in this holiest land that Moshe Rabbeinu, our teacher, leader and faithful shepherd burned with desire and yearning to step foot in.
And I live here. I have stepped foot on its soil, drank its waters, breathed its air.
I live in Eretz Yisroel.

My heart hurts from emotion. I am about to cry. My stomach twists.

Me? Chava? In the beautiful, ageless, timeless Eretz Yisroel?

May it be His will that I always be worthy of this reality.

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

And then I checked my email and PayPal told me "Consider yourself secure." but really, it was G-d telling me that.

G-d said to Moses, "And I will also fulfill the promise I made with them, to give them the land of Israel." (Ex. 6:4) To whom had G-d made a promise? To our ancestors, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. But if they had already passed away, how could they receive the land of Israel? This is one of the sources whence we learn about Techiyat Hameytim - the resurrection of the dead in the Messianic Era. Even though our Patriarchs are no longer alive, the land will still be given to them because in the days of Moshiach, our ancestors, and all Jews, will come back to life.
(Yalkut Shimoni 6:176)
And I'm thinking - yah allah, I live in this land!

Monday, June 29, 2015

I've always wanted a storybook friend.*

And tonight, tonight I got my storybook friend.

"Too good to be true," comes to mind but guess what buster? It's too good and it's true.

Korban todah here we come.

*I'm looking for the post where I wrote about it a zillion years ago.

Lol Of The Day (or, "Word Of The Day")


Thursday, June 25, 2015

I feel so so grateful that G-d has given me....

1) air conditioning in my bedroom/office

2) a desk built into my room

3) a gift in understanding children

4) the opportunity to be a channel to deliver healing through therapeutic massage 

5) friends - from in and out of my country - who reach out to me to see how I'm doing

6) the capability, ability and desire to learn Torah 

7) the means to buy clothing

8) the means to buy food

9) freedom of fear for my life

10) a large extended family

11) my sense of what's humorous

12) all my senses

13) a healthy body, mind and spirit

14) so many talents

15) the Rebbe

16) my mashpia

17) the wildest, most incredible, unbelievable zechus to live in our very own precious Eretz Yisroel

18) a heart that cries for my friends whose family members that have passed onto the next stage of Life

19) creativity

20) the people who have played major or minor roles in bettering my life

That's the short basic list for the time being. Now I could hopefully pray a bit more appropriately than usual.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

The Eye Of The Beholder - “The Land of Israel is very good.” (14:7)
“I don’t know how you live in this country... You’re living in the Third World. It’s dirty and dangerous. It’s beyond my comprehension why someone with a decent standard of living would uproot himself and live in a Levantine slum.” Why is it that to some people the Land of Israel seems so beautiful while others struggle to see its beauty and leave disappointed?
Once there was a beautiful princess who had many suitors for her hand in marriage. Obviously she could only marry one of them and so she devised a plan to select the more promising candidates. When a young man would come to woo her, her servants would usher him into an ante-chamber. On the table in front of him were some fruit and some books of Torah scholarship. The servants told him that the princess would be with him shortly. They bade him make himself comfortable and to help himself to some fruit. What the suitor did not know was that there was a spy-hole in the wall of the room. Through this, the princess would observe the aspiring groom.
If he took a piece of fruit and made a beracha with apparent concentration, or if he took up a book and began to learn intently, then she would emerge in her finest apparel and appeared as a rare beauty.If, however, the suitor took some fruit and failed to make a beracha or idled his time away and didn’t use the opportunity to learn Torah, then she would put on torn rags, blacken her face and teeth and emerge looking like a hag.
Eretz Yisrael is that princess.
If a person comes to the Land looking for spirituality even the physical beauty of Eretz Yisrael will enchant him. On the other hand, if a person is not worthy, everything will seem dirty and dingy.However, Eretz Yisrael will never embarrass a person. Rather than suffering the embarrassment of being rejected by the Land, Eretz Yisrael allows the person to think that he has rejected her.
Sources: The Ramban writing to his talmidim from Eretz Yisrael (Ohr Somayach)
from the "Keep Olim in Israel Movement"  FB group

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

☀️ Tel Aviv $591 🍜 Seoul from $699 🍻 Dublin from $544

I am SO excited that it'll cost me only $591 to get to Tel Aviv now!

Those 16 shekel bus rides are just too much...

Sunday, June 14, 2015

One Chareidi, Two Chareidi...

"So, you are eh looking for a working or learning?"
"Um -- "
"Of course firstly cute."
"First he has to be a cute."
"Yes, you are cute so he has to be a cute."


That was awesome. And a relief not to be a crybaby. (I think.)

Also, חמצן.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Food Anagrams

My eating plan these days.
Same ingredients, different form.
Not by choice, mind you.
Well, everything is a choice...

How can you deny the Holocaust and then accuse us of acting just as the Nazis, may their names be obliterated forever?

Can't have your hamantash and eat it too, ya know.

Then again, if their claim is that the story we tell of the Holocaust is a gross exaggeration of the reality, then their accusations that we're acting like the perpetrators is not as severe as we/they think it is. Absolutely horrifyingly blatantly untrue and terrible etc to even consider comparing but interesting observation of their double play.

Not all of life's problems can be solved with a Nestle
שלגון בשומן צמחי בטעם וניל במילוי נוגט, בציפוי שוקולד לבן וחטיפי אורז תפוח, but a good whole lot of em can.

Who remembers my Magnum day(s)?

Tuesday, June 09, 2015

I want to hear the Rambam speak Arabic. And in general, speak.

But I'm Chava. אם כל חי. Story must not yet be over. Even though today we countered that not being by the wedding was being there even more, still.

I buy little balls and dolls and doctor sets so I can be prepared when I meet a child in need.

In Israel, where money goes for food and rent. Eh.

מודה אני לפניך, מלך חי וקיים, שהחזרת בי נשמתי בחמלה.
רבה אמונתך.

Thank You for Your love and for Your faith. Thank You for my life.

Friday, June 05, 2015

למה נגרע


The paradox
The will, the scorching burn of desire
The acceptance, the calming cool of reason
I want but I know I have
I want THAT but I have been given THIS
I'm not left with nothing
I'm left with something else

Give me so I can give
Bless me so I can bless
Enrich me so I can enrich
Nourish me so I can nourish


I am given, blessed, enriched, nourished

Constant struggle
Ask, don't ask
Don't ask, ask

למה נגרע

Souls to be born
Worlds to be redeemed


The known has become unknown
And my norm is not the norm
But it is my norm


Can a half a soul know You?

Can a half a soul create whole souls?
In THIS world?

(Because that's where I am)

למה נגרע

Complete me so I can complete Your world

So I can have שבת and תורה and חינוך and כשר
So I can GIVE שבת and תורה and חינוך and כשר

I don't want to build Your world alone
I can build it so much stronger and bolder and higher and deeper ...

Monday, June 01, 2015

My day is full of gifts!

Must sleep but would be remiss not to first toss out a few of the gifts I got today. (Not chuck it in the bin but throw out into the air.)

Not in order of importance -


1) davened maariv with a minyan
2) the minyan was in a gas station near our idle bus
3) I woke up just on time for morning
4) lerner messaged me and knew rafi
5) chani told me how calm she is
6) none of my stuff broke in transit
7) I had two showers today
8 ) one of the showers was hot

More later bez"h

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Ok, some reminders needed:

Life does not tell stories. People do.
Life provides raw materials. Raw enough for us to look back and construct at least two versions of our own biography—its past, its present and its future: one a prison, the other a palace.
This is the greatest kindness the Master of Life has given us: He has placed His own pen in our hands, so that we may enjoy the dignity of a palace constructed by our own design.

Looking at your world from Above, all is good.
Looking at your world from within, things don’t always look so nice.
Until you connect your world from within to the world above. Then the goodness flows downward without distortion.
How do you make that connection? By clinging tightly above. By putting all your trust in G‑d.

If you did good, celebrate that you have a G‑d who is there with you in your good work.
And if you fell on your face, celebrate that you have a G‑d who does not abandon you when you fall.

Two ways you could write your life:
“I am so small, and I make such stupid messes that even if the Creator of this magnificent universe had some plan for me, by now He must have given up. So I do, too.“
“I am so small, and I make such stupid messes, yet nevertheless the Creator of this magnificent universe will not let go of His belief in me. So neither will I.”

Do you believe only when you can see with your eyes? When your prayers are answered and miracles carry you on their wings? Or do you also believe when circumstances fly in your face?
If it touches you to the core, if it is a belief you truly own, if it is as real to you as life itself, then it does not change.
And if it does not change, then you are bound up with the true essence of the One who does not change.

Everything a human being is given comes in a finite package. Even the tablets Moses carried down from Mount Sinai were defined and bounded.
And so, when G‑d saw Moses mourning over the broken tablets, He said, “Your powers were focused when you smashed the tablets. For now you will receive a Torah you may extend wider than the sea.”
When a human being fails, he shatters the treasures G‑d has put in his trust. But then he cries and picks up the shards to restore what he has ruined.
That is when he discovers that G‑d Himself was hidden inside.
That is when he discovers the Infinite.

[all this from R' Tzvi Freeman's Daily Dose of Wisdom based on the Lubavitcher Rebbe's teachings]

Monday, May 25, 2015

I love when they get lost in their song. There's like that moment when it ceases to be about them but the song, the story, the soul. I'm attracted to souls. Been meaning to write about it for a while, my attraction to humble confidence and quiet strength. I so admire when the person acts only a channel. I long to divest myself of my ego, my animalistic desires and thoughts, words and actions, feelings and motivations. I yearn to be a transparent soul, a clear piece of our Living G-d, His obvious messenger in the physical world. I want to be lost in His song.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

I like Shani

It's super swell to have her in my life.

Thank G-d, thank G-d, thank G-d.

He gives me what I need when I need.

I guess I don't need to be getting married tomorrow, ד' סיון.

Who woulda thunk....

I pass a group of beautiful Jews playing wonderful, soulful, beaty, classy music with various instruments. I am happy. We are getting the Torah.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Re: My Potential

Hashem, thank You for being so in tuned to my feelings and on top of the matter.

And thank you Tzvi'ke for being His messenger.

The world around you is in shambles—and you are probably no exception. The chasm between what you should be and what you actually are is so vast, you cannot see yourself changing anything.

That’s His job. Your job is to think good thoughts. Your job is to do good deeds.

He will make a bridge from your thoughts to your deeds and together they will become the most powerful instrument of change in the world.

Wednesday, May 06, 2015

Tuesday, May 05, 2015

May 05, 2015

They buried my friend on my birthday.

If we're already going to be blunt though, let's agree that she most certainly feels a lot more alive than I do right now.


You want me to smile, Chaya, right? You want me to laugh, don't you? Can we sing together? Can we please dance? Can we play just one more innocent prank? This is all a prank, right? Take away the bad feelings, remind me it's all a trick, a test, a game, a show. Life, death, it's all about the in-between. Your in-between shone and shone, shines and shines, you little blondie, you.

You are sunshine.

Lemme ruffle your hair just one more time. Lemme give you just one more massage. Let's whisper for a few more minutes. And another few. And another few. And another few. And let's stay friends forever and ever, wherever you go and whatever I do, let's still be friends.

I might have to be a little bit of your sunshine now. I might have to double my grins on your behalf. You'll do your half by encouraging me and I'll do my half by smiling. It might take me some time, Chaya, but I'll get it. Remember how patient and supportive I was when you didn't want to take your meds one Shabbos? Friends don't get scared off by these things; friends stick around always.

Stick around, Chaya.

Be sunshine, still.

Monday, May 04, 2015

Chaya Spalter is my friend.

She's blond and fresh and spunky and full of laughter.
She's got beautiful hair, eyes, cheeks, and smiles, smiles, smiles.
She's alive.
She's got endless energy, a mischievous glint in her eye and the most upbeat attitude known to humankind.

She's Chaya Spalter and her joy will live on.

I will be your student of faith, your student of spirit. I will learn your giggles, your wit, your feisty nature. I will see the world through your light and make the world a place with more light.

I'll keep you here, Chaya Spalter.
I'll massage and give and laugh and prank and you will be here.

Don't forget me and I won't forget you. Deal?

I love you.

Sunday, May 03, 2015

Thank you R' Freeman for reminding me that:

One who has given up hope is without a G-d.

One who awaits liberation each day is already free.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

לכתחילה אריבער? You want to know what לכתחילה אריבער is? I'll tell you. לכתחילה אריבער is when you pass through a classroom where Torah is being taught, on your way to sort out your housing, your health, your livelihood, your finances, your relationships and your emotions and you pause, turn around, and take a seat remembering that Torah is above all.

Thursday, April 23, 2015


The pogroms are, were, so so terrifying. The Cossacks were beyond atrocious.
I feel sick from this Tolerance Museum, Jewish history/life in Russia.

Thursday, April 16, 2015


Jab! Cross! Hook! Right upper cut! Left upper cut! Right hook to the body! Right hook to the head! Left hook!

And whatever other celebratory punches this news deserves :))))

Cody told me, after I thanked him for getting me to where I am, that it's because I listen. And he enjoys teaching people who listen. Unlike, wait for it, wait for it, ahhhh I can't even say it, it's too exciting and relieving after all my angst cuz of him ahhh yayyy thank You Hashem for this little gift before I bid farewell once again to my #1 boxing place.

Thursday, April 02, 2015

I love how suddenly so many of the garbage bins and recycling bins in my neighborhood can't close.
They're soundlessly shouting Pesach.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Sunday, March 08, 2015

Last Attempts at Evil

A chasid once observed, "We see the forces of evil in the world insistently gaining strength. The reason is that we are now so close to the Redemption. When a wrestler is thrown to the ground and realizes that his opponent is about to overpower him, he summons every last shred of strength in a desperate bid to rally himself. The very fact that evil in the world is putting up a desperate struggle, in itself testifies that its end is near [for when Moshiach comes, according to the Prophets, evil will no longer exist].
(From From Exile to Redemption)

Monday, March 02, 2015

Bךש נךש נךש נךןבי נךןבי נךןבי

Then I'm gonna read that in a million years and not know what it says hehe. But that doesn't really matter because anyhow everything is understood differently in a million years.

Friday, February 27, 2015

"No lamp is too lowly, and no lamp is too lofty, for the lamplighter and his pole."

- Yanki Tauber, chabad.org, on the mission of the Jew, the lamplighter.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

מוח שליט על הלב

My mind can speak to my heart and remind it that of course the Rebbe is thinking of me and caring about and for me. This must be the work of the yetzer hora who is trying to bring me down, using cruel tactics of cooling the fervent belief of the drowning fellow calling out in Yiddish to be saved. Okay, so I'll replace belief with trust. Belief was a dollar, a video, a sign. Trust is when the letter says you're a lump for people to pass by, you laugh and say no I'm not.

I can choose self-pity and then defiance or resignation, depression etcetera, or I can choose to be connected to Above so I don't fall below.

This post is my trust connection.

No, I don't feel encouraged.

The letter made me feel abandoned actually. Acknowledging my present state but not blessing or encouraging it seems to me a resigned acceptance with instructions to others to move on.

That's really sad.

At least I get points for crying for real twice in one week and it's only Monday.

We're off to a smashing start.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Today I Cried

It was during Shemoneh Esrei when I burst into tears.
Choking sobs, loud, deep and heart-wrenching.
I looked down and saw my siddur was drenched.
I tilted it to let the pool of tears slide off and then changed my mind.
Let my tears wet these words of prayer.
Let G-d see and collect my pain.
My thoughts are not always with You but here, take these tears that I offer but to You and do what You need to do. Go on, now. Do it.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

"Mine says" version 2.

Last year, this shook me up. Excited and then saddened me. This year, boruch Hashem, it didn't, doesn't. Actually, it does. But in a good way. A better way. Walk the palace.

FridaySh'vat 235703
Torah lessons:Chumash: Yitro, Shishi with Rashi.
Tehillim: 108-112.
Tanya: From this the intelligent (p.97)...as will be explained later. (p. 99).

Once, as the Alter Rebbe stepped out of his room, he overheard his wife remarking to several women, "Mine1 says..."
The Rebbe said: "With one mitzva I am yours; with how many are we G-d's!" With these words he fell onto the doorpost in dveikut.2 On "awakening" from the dveikut he said:"Go out and see"3 - to step out of self and perceive the Divine, comes from (the following words in that verse) "daughters of Zion," Malchut arousing z'a.4 The Future will bring the fulfillment of "A valorous woman is her husband's crown."5

Usually I have cereal with my yogurt, but today I had yogurt with my cereal.

PS. I'm supposed to be writing my profound Chassidic essay that will impact the entire world, for $10,000.

Wednesday, February 04, 2015

Tuesday, February 03, 2015

I'm not crazy; I'm Jewish.

We were not placed here to do the possible.

Let the heavenly beings bring cause into effect, potential into actual. He did not breathe from His innermost depths into flesh and blood to achieve the facile and the ordinary.
We are here to achieve the impossible. To teach the world tricks it feigns it cannot do. To fill it with light it does not know. To make the blind see, the deaf hear, the bitter sweet, the darkness shine. To make everyday business into mystic union. To rip away the façade of the world and to bring it to confess its secret oneness with the Divine.

When they tell you, “You can’t go on that path, it’s beyond you!”—grab that path as your destiny.

Lately, I pray to be able to pray.

We pray and He answers with blessings. But we ask, “If you are already giving us blessings, why in such clumsy packages with so many strings attached?”
And He answers, “If you are giving me your innermost heart in prayer, why in such thick layers of ego? Why with such cold words? Why do you hold back your tears?”
“I’ll make you a deal,” He says. “You bare your souls from their wrappings, and I will bare My blessings of their clouds.”

Maamar Vayigash Elav 5725, 6
An Eye and a Sigh

Rabbi Israel Baal Shem Tov once said to his disciples:

There once lived two neighbors, a Torah scholar and an impoverished laborer. The scholar would wake before dawn, rush to the study hall and study for several hours. He would then pray at length and with great devotion, hurry home for a quick bite of breakfast, and return to the study hall for more hours of study. After the noon meal he would go to market and engage in some minimal dealing--just enough to earn him his basic needs--then back to the study hall. After evening prayers and the evening meal, he would again sit over the sacred books till late into the night.

His neighbor would also wake early, but his situation did not allow for much Torah study: no matter how hard he struggled to earn a living, he barely succeeded in putting bread on the table. He would pray quickly with the first minyan at daybreak, and then his labor would consume his entire day and the greater part of his night. On Shabbat, when he finally had the opportunity to take a book in his hands, he would soon drop off from exhaustion.

When the two neighbors would pass each other in the yard, the scholar would throw the crass materialist a look of contempt and hurry on to his holy pursuits. The poor laborer would sigh and think to himself: how unfortunate is my lot, and how fortunate is his. We're both hurrying---but he's rushing to the study hall, while I'm off to my mundane burdens.

Then, it came to pass that the two men concluded their sojourn on earth and their souls stood before the heavenly court, where the life of every man is weighed upon the balance scales of divine judgement. An advocate-angel placed the scholar's many virtues in the right cup of the balance scales: his many hours of Torah study, his meditative prayers, his frugality and honesty. But then came the prosecuting angel, and placed a single object on the other side of the scales---the look of contempt that the scholar would occasionally send his neighbor's way. Slowly, the left side of the scales began to dip, until it equaled, and then exceeded, the formidable load on the right.

When the poor laborer came before the heavenly court, the prosecutor loaded his miserable, spiritually void life on the left scales. The advocating angel had but one weight to offer---the sorrowful sigh the laborer would emit when he encountered his learned neighbor. But when placed on the right side of the scales, the sigh counterweighted everything on the negative side, lifting and validating every moment of hardship and misery in the laborer's life.

Adapted from the teachings of the Lubavitcher Rebbe byYankiTauber, www.meaningfullife.com
When I asked them why they changed "maamar" to "sicha" when publishing my personal account, their response was "We wanted the article to appeal to as broad an audience as possible, and many women find it hard to relate to the idea of learning a maamar, but sichah is something more on their level."

How wrong and how odd and how unfair to lower their bar.

Why Are People Afraid To Die?

Why are people afraid to die?
Why do they fight to live?
Everyone is gonna die one day, what do they care if it's a few years earlier or later?
Once death is here, who cares?
Unless of course, it's because they know there is an afterlife?
And that reality scares them?
So then shouldn't they live accordingly?
What is death?
What is life?

Sunday, February 01, 2015

Crayola Box of Emotions

There was a time when emotions came in boxes of 12, all the basics.

Now I get new ones at a rapid pace and I marvel at the singularity of each of the 64.

Never before this weekend do I recall being told to be ashamed of who I am. Not of what I do, but who I am. Not of my religion or race or gender or country, but personally me.

That's a whole new color.

Having spent a few days by the Alter Rebbe, the group of Chassidim was ready to return to their hometown, but their baal agala was nowhere to be found. Worse yet, the horse that had brought them to Liozna was in its stall, not having been fed for several days. They set out to search for him in the forests outside of Liozna, and found him walking about and shouting in Russian, "If you were to ask a goy 'Do you love G-d?' he too would say 'I love Him!'"
As it turned out, the simple wagon driver listened to the maamar, and caught only these words of the Alter Rebbe. This inspired him so, that he completely forgot about everything, and immersed himself in those words.
(לשמע אוזן ע' 26)

Friday, January 30, 2015

Got Faith?

Emunah (faith) never competes with sechel (intellect).
Emunah is the step after sechel, it's not instead of sechel.
Faith is not weakened by questions nor strengthened by answers.
The more wisdom, the more humility.

-Chabad chassidus, listening to Rabbi YY Jacobson teaching a Bosi L'gani maamar.

Thursday, January 29, 2015


stupid stupid stupid death
comes to take away my friends
stupid stupid stupid death
you're no angel in the end

go away from us, you death
go away from us, right now
go away from us, you death
go far away and stay away away away

i didn't even know of them
until you took them away
i didn't even know of them
until i heard the news today

their names are life
your grin is cruel
yochai and chaim
each a jewel

and ariel
G-d's own roar
and stupid death
took the floor

in the word of truth
blessed at the news
there's death with One
He rules his Jews

maybe death did not them take
maybe this was no mistake
maybe death answered a call
to bring delight to G-d's grand hall

but down here is where we live
and hearts and minds are our life's sieve
and angels should not to us bring pain
there should be no loss and only gain

and now the time has come at last
to send this "angel" to the past
and rather welcome here instead
angels that bring back the dead

ברוך דיין האמת

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Jogging With M-16

Ah what a relief it is to jog without having to hold my weapon to prevent it from banging against my side.

Then again, it's kinda sorta cool to be a soldier even in civilian clothes.

Monday, January 26, 2015

The Jerusalem Hills

I'm surprised there is no special blessing to be recited upon crossing the border into the holiness of Jerusalem.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

The 6 Constant Mitzvos

The Poskim enumerated a list of Mitzvos that one has the ability to constantly fulfill throughout the day being that they are not limited to any specific time, place or action. 

These are:

1) Belief in Hashem
2) Not to believe in the existence of any other G-d.
3) The unity of Hashem
4) Love of Hashem
5) Fear of Hashem
6) Not to swerve after one’s heart and eyes.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Snow as Wool

The verse in Tehillim (147:16) refers to Hashem as "The One who sends snow that settles like a blanket of wool." An additional interpretation to these words is given by the Chidushei Harim - "Hashem sends as much snow as there is wool to warm oneself" - meaning that Hashem brings to  man only as much as he can cope with. 

 (Excerpt from Oz V'Hadar Levusha by Rabbi Falk p. 170)

מכון ויצמן

If I had (regular) Facebook, I'd be euphorically checking in to "מכון ויצמן" now.

Monday, January 12, 2015

R. Chisda said: “The reason that I am superior to my colleagues is that I married at sixteen. And had I married at fourteen, I would have said to the Satan, ‘An arrow in your eye.’”

I should totally carry around arrows with me for when the Satan knocks on my door. Alternatively, I could just not let him in. But cmon, deep down we all want to send an arrow directly into the Satan's eye.
So Moslems want Islam to take over the world, they're starting to spread their name globally and then WHAM Moshiach comes and switches it all around. See, the world is slowly getting itself ready for the final and eternal Redemptive Era. Twenty years ago, how could we have imagined such a global impact, such instant connections, such interconnected lives... Now it's happening.

It's so fun seeing the world naturally lead itself to Moshiach but it's so sad and painful for the suffering that comes at the same time :(

Thursday, January 08, 2015

Friday, January 02, 2015

"I Killed A Beast"

Today I killed a beast
though I did not set out to hunt,
I met him on my path
and feared to be his lunch.

Today I killed a beast
who had roared and had a fit,
When an arrow came straight at him 
and he took a direct hit.

Today I killed a beast
a fearsome one so large,
There was no place for me to go
when he began to charge.

Today I killed a beast
oh, I hate when there is strife,
But when a man faces a beast
the man should guard his life.

Today I killed a beast
and now I'm safe and free,
Because the beast I killed today
was the ego inside me.
"Suck the marrow out of each moment in life," advised Mrs. Miriam Rhodes at a recent Malchus farbrengen.

Thursday, January 01, 2015

   Yeshaya HaNavi chastises the Jewish woman of his time for her lack of tznius.

   Among the main points he complains about is the effort she made to be in the spotlight, to be noticed and observed by all.  he complains, "These females stride along with their height artificially increased" (Yeshaya 3:16).

   The Midrash (Eichah 4:18) explains this in two ways. A tall woman would engage two shorter women to walk on either side of her. She did so in order to exhibit her height and ensure that everyone noticed it. Alternatively, she would wear shoes with abnormally thick soles and heels to increase her height. Height was regulated as a form of beauty and these women did whatever they could to ensure that their height would be as conspicuous and as noticeable as possible.

   This type of conduct is such a serious departure from modesty that the Navi attributes much of Klal Yisroel's downfall to is - see Mekoros 2:1-4.

(Excerpt from Oz V'Hadar Levusha by Rabbi Falk p. 392)