Thursday, April 07, 2011



I finally got the peace I was seeking these few long weeks.

While waiting for the two suspects, we spoke.
We spoke about many things.
Things he thought encouraging: the two boys coming are a result of 2 weeks of combing, police, soldiers, checking extra IDs, asking if the ages seem right, striped sweaters....
Then we enter dangerous territory like TIPH-"I'll tell you my opinion a half hour before you go." and "Why are you a cop?" and "Does it bother you that people hate you? The Jews, I'm talking about. Well, not really YOU but you as a police officer." And he says he knows he's doing the right thing so it doesn't bother him. And he's being quite gentlemanly all the while, offering me orange Mentos, bringing me a cup of coke "drink, it's important", and mainly, not at all referencing my extreme tantrums that I maturely shared last time.

Our intense convos are routinely interrupted by ID checks and cop calls. I'm determinded to keep rage out of the picture, preferring not to return to the TIPH topic. With a half-hour wait ahead, he leaves, I stay and then he soon returns, joking "my heart wouldn't allow me to keep you here alone". Most of my nervousness was gone, I was starting to feel wholly confident, and then I saw someone who was "hachi domeh lo" (most similar-looking to him) and my bitter helplessness returned..but he calmed me, telling me we'll find him..

But it was never about finding him.

So I did not feel relieved. I still felt helpless, bitter, sad, angry, frustrated and weary. All to a very minor degree, and all very passive, but all very alive.

We drive up to where the second boy REALLY is going to be waiting, and we continue talking about it. "We are going to catch him, Chava!" I shrug indifferently. It was never about catching him.

And he tries proving his dedication to the cause, reminding me that he waited with me for the guy to appear for more than an hour now, going above the call of duty "anachnu lo sheirut moniyot" ("we're not a taxi service"), yet he drove me home after the first interrogation. And every time, since.

And then, after we've been waiting for an hour already, he calls the other cop. "Listen here, or I arrest him already, or I arrest you!".

(He's the same guy who made the plastic bag funny comment last time.) I laugh in appreciation of the humour.

At the same time, I think he can nearly touch my cynicism.

"Do you remember what I told you last time", I question him. "When I was in the room and I was angry and crying and you asked what you can do, what do I want, do you remember what I told you??"
"Yes, I remember" he nods.
"What did I say?" I push him.
"You said you want to kill Arabs."
I burst out laughing. I think he does too.
"No seriously, do you remember? I told you then, and it's what I've felt ever since. I didn't ask you to find the guy. All I said was, "I want to feel that you guys care to help me.""

And then there was the perfect moment. The moment of long-awaited peace.

I'm sitting in the back seat, he's in the front. He looks at me straight in the eye (via the mirror hehe) and quietly says: "Whether you believe it or not, whether you feel it or not, know that ever since it happened, I have been bothered that you were hurt and I have been determined to find this boy who did such a thing to you.".

Powerful tranquility courses through my veins.

The car holds the echo of the sweetest-sounding words.

He continues to speak and I shush him, "Don't ruin it. What you said was perfect, what I was waiting for and what I needed to hear. I finally feel better. Don't ruin it."

He sputters, opens n closes his mouth, pretending to have a hard time holding himself back from talking more. I laugh.

We wait a bit more and then he decides zehu, he's going to bust the guy in his house. "The fact that he kept me waiting and didn't show up is more serious than what he did to you--"

I verbally pounce him. We both laugh.

He drives me home. Before leaving the car, I harass him to make sure he will takkeh go in, take pics, send em to me and be in touch. He assures me he will.

"Oh really? You have a camera here in the car with you??"

He is not pleased, maybe even hurt by my distrust.

I start apologizing and thanking him, I don't remember exactly what I said when he interrupts, with a slight twinkle in his eye-

"Listen, before, you told me not to talk so I shouldn't ruin the moment? The same thing here now. Don't say anything else!" I burst out laughing and close the door, still smilling widely.

But when I get upstairs, about to enter the building, I still feel guilty by my parting and I call him immediately. "Yes..?" "Listen, I want to ask for forgiveness."

"That..?" "At the end, what I said to you that-" "Chava! Shh! No talking!"

"And Arnon entered and there was mirth and anger; And Arnon reentered and there was mirth and tranquility. And the mirth and tranquility never dissipated."


rutimizrachi said...

Wow. I'm just crying a little.

the sabra said...

Thank you, Ruti.