Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Can Frozen People Move?

Yes, they can.

We are feeding the kids lunch, we are making phone calls and we are making jokes (albeit black ones), we are carrying suitcases and we are even going to the park.

Frozen people can move.

Matty was jumping on the mattress before, while I was looking for her pajamas. "STOP JUMPING!!!", I shouted like a madwoman. She wasn't frozen. HOW DARE SHE MOVE ABOUT SO CAREFREE?!

How dare the other Cohens not.

"How old was Tante Esty?" asks the 5 year old.
"That's not an old lady." she observes.
"No, it's not. It's young. Very young. Tante Esty was just a young lady when she went to Hashem."

Mushky muses that Hashem must be very busy and needed help so that's why He got Tante Esty.

And, sickeningly reminiscent of the world's Moishele, little Yechiel keeps asking for Mammy.

Frantic rush to finish filling out the Tzivos Hashem forms for school tomorrow.
Who's filling out THEIR forms, we wanna know.

"Most Mammies don't go to Hashem", the niece tells us. We agree. We literally see the question burning in her mind.

All the tehillim slots we missed. The hachlatas we didn't keep.

Who's going to make sure the 6 year old is not in her room crying for hours??

They'll bring meals, food and drinks to please every palette. But the souls will still cry out in hunger. All the care, concern and cleaning help in the world won't match up to one hour with their mother.

"Stop testing us, Hashem! We're going to start cheating!" cries out her mother.

Waiting for a levayah.
Are we in a novel? Are we really dealing with all this dodgy hospital stuff?
She's coming back in a few weeks, right? 4, 6 max. Alright, 2 months. And then we're back to normal.

"I want them to make their own lunches in the morning", he told me last week. "In case it's shayich."

That was the most horrible thing I could remember hearing in my life.

And we're sitting here having to decide between celebrating with one son by his wedding and one son by his wife's funeral. A funeral. A funeral. A body and a coffin. Hundreds of black hats.

Frozen people. We're moving.

We're wandering, lost. Unbalanced. Suspended in time. The world is moving but we stand in one place, staring off in the distance, until the tears come crashing down, blocking our vision. Do we really want to see anyhow? Better to just keep on moving. Moving. Moving.


mum said...


ChayAiz said...

Thanks for sharing even though so painful we cry out we. Want moshiach now just wanted torment on the last few words moving it stuck me as so alive- warm- compared to the rest of what u were saying. Maybe moving is the answer most placating for those kids most hastening for the redemptiob

C said...

This hurts.

Ad mosai??

the sabra said...

I thought of this when I helped Moishele fill out his forms hurriedly one morning before school, the last day to bring it in...

..i couldn't concentrate, couldn't see straight..