...And the conversation somehow drifted to 'Al Tishali Oti'. Declared one blogger, "If I was the sabra, I wouldn't post so cryptically'. "If I was the sabra", said another, "I wouldn't use so many Hebrew & Yiddish words." Another blogger chimed in, "If I owned 'Al Tishali Oti', I would be more consistent with colors n content." "I wouldn't be sarcastic to commenters", muttered another, darkly. One blogger added not. "I have nothing to say, for 'To know the sabra is to be the sabra'."
Thursday, September 16, 2010
I'd Eat Rocks If He'd Tell Me To
So I'll watch the kids instead of davening Ne'ila, big deal. It's for Him, either way.
And also, I'll always have a smile on my face, and if I need to grind my teeth, I'll do it with nobody knowing and I'll never cry and I'll never complain and I'll never kvetch and I'll always save money and I'll always be pleasant and I'll never leave my stuff around and I'll always agree and I'll always do things your way and I'll never ask for appreciation or even acknowledgment and I'll always be the mature one and the one who forgives and forgets and for sure, for sure, I'll always always keep my mouth shut.
*bitter. angry. sad. hurt. o-v-e-r-w-h-e-l-m-e-d*
I believe. I believe. These are the words of the song skipping around my head and tongue the whole day. "I believe."
G-d doesn't want me to do that whole list of things, nor does He want me to eat rocks.
He wants only one thing from me.
He wants me to believe.
I'll believe. I'll believe.
And y'know what just happened?? The Rabbi walked in with £180 pounds for me! Just when I needed it. After me telling him earlier this week I don't need it anytime soon. And not $180 like I mistakenly thought it would be. (and worked hard to muster up the "it's not important" attitude) Not even the USD equivalent of £180, but actual GBP which is what I need tonight. After me telling him earlier this week I'd rather dollars.
Apparently, G-d knows me a lot better than I know myself. And He knows the plan a lot better than I do, I must remind myself.
All I have to do is believe.
And so now, when she got upset at me for taking her small change (instead of thanking me for being faced with the uncomfortable situation of not having any money with which to pay the shochet and not wanting to wake up the tired mother and stressed sister-in-law, I scraped out my last pennies and ran around the house looking for more, while the busy man stood there waiting), I just quietly apologized and told her I'd get her change tomorrow.