Thursday, September 16, 2010

I'd Eat Rocks If He'd Tell Me To

So I'll watch the kids instead of davening Ne'ila, big deal.
It's for Him, either way.

And also, I'll always have a smile on my face, and if I need to grind my teeth, I'll do it with nobody knowing and I'll never cry and I'll never complain and I'll never kvetch and I'll always save money and I'll always be pleasant and I'll never leave my stuff around and I'll always agree and I'll always do things your way and I'll never ask for appreciation or even acknowledgment and I'll always be the mature one and the one who forgives and forgets and for sure, for sure, I'll always always keep my mouth shut.

*bitter. angry. sad. hurt. o-v-e-r-w-h-e-l-m-e-d*

I believe. I believe. These are the words of the song skipping around my head and tongue the whole day. "I believe."

G-d doesn't want me to do that whole list of things, nor does He want me to eat rocks.
He wants only one thing from me.
He wants me to believe.

I'll believe. I'll believe.

And y'know what just happened?? The Rabbi walked in with £180 pounds for me! Just when I needed it. After me telling him earlier this week I don't need it anytime soon. And not $180 like I mistakenly thought it would be. (and worked hard to muster up the "it's not important" attitude) Not even the USD equivalent of £180, but actual GBP which is what I need tonight. After me telling him earlier this week I'd rather dollars.

Apparently, G-d knows me a lot better than I know myself. And He knows the plan a lot better than I do, I must remind myself.

All I have to do is believe.

I believe.
I believe.

And so now, when she got upset at me for taking her small change (instead of thanking me for being faced with the uncomfortable situation of not having any money with which to pay the shochet and not wanting to wake up the tired mother and stressed sister-in-law, I scraped out my last pennies and ran around the house looking for more, while the busy man stood there waiting), I just quietly apologized and told her I'd get her change tomorrow.

I believe, G-d. I believe.

And it feels so darn good.

1 comment:

the sabra said...

Ha! And guess what I open up to read now? Simon Jacobson's Day 38 of his 60 Day Journey:

Thursday, September 16
Tishrei 8


It took Moses only 40 days to receive the entire Torah from G-d on Mt. Sinai, but it took him double that time—80 days—to win forgiveness for the Jewish people after the Sin of the Golden Calf.

But when Moses finally returned from the mountain on Yom Kippur, the new set of tablets that he brought with him was greater than the first. The second set was carved from the depths of pain and demonstrated hope after loss—the second set was indestructible.

This teaches us that it takes much more effort to rebuild a relationship after it is broken than to build it in the first place. But when we succeed, the new structure is much stronger and it can never be broken again.

Yom Kippur, which is only two days away, is the holiest day of the year because it is the birthday of the single most important ingredient in life—hope. The hope that there is healing after loss, that there is rebirth after destruction, that we can always rebuild what was broken and make it stronger than ever before.

And Yom Kippur teaches us how we can achieve all of this—by connecting to G-d, to immortality.

This is the ultimate message that we have to share with the world as we become more and more aware that we live in a period of time when the ultimate battle between good and evil is being waged. Into this battle we can carry the message of Yom Kippur:

"Everything is possible. With persistence you can overcome any challenge and adversary. Put your faith and hope in G-d because good can and will prevail."

The Shabbat of the Ten Days of Teshuvah each year repeats this message in the words of the Torah portion read at that time:

Be strong and brave. Do not be afraid or feel insecure before them , because G-d is the One who is going with you, and He will not fail you or forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

Ask yourself: Do you feel hopeful for yourself and for the world? Do you allow yourself to get resigned?
Exercise for the day:
- Inspire someone who feels broken. Give him/her hope.
- Meditate on the words of the Torah portion quoted above.