Sunday, March 15, 2009

She wrote about her "last shabbos"....

Friday morning, I started to feel it. "Is there anything special you want me to make for your last shabbos?", she asked me. "O cmon", he cut in. "Don't be so dramatic-'last shabbos'...!" Both of those comments made me smile. I told them I'm not leaving, I'm only taking a break. When Gabi and the others asked when I'm coming back, I shrugged my shoulders..but not anxiously. I'm not sad. Lynn came cuz I told her it's gonna be my last Shabbos, as did Ziva. Lena n Rami and Nati n Elin, as well. I shan't even attempt to describe the feeling. My boss stood up and said the joke about the Indians collecting firewood for the winter. "Your teaching, your care and your laughter warmed up our winter", he said. Why were the people sitting around the tables surprised to see tears in my eyes? Mendele said to me that he wants me to teach him "ALL the parshiyos!". I wanted to be with everyone. I moved from table to table, from kids to adults. Had to soak it all in...but not get too sentimental. "I'm not saying 'Good-bye'", I told Michael. "Only "dasvedanya". There's a difference, you know. 'Shalom' vs 'lehitraot'. Who's gonna remind Moussia that "Chassidim are one mishpocha"?? I guess it's like what I answered Yair when he asked how they'll manage without me now. "You'll manage just as you did before I came". Hashem is taking care of them, I don't have to worry. The Yidden will be saved, Esther, the question is if you will be part of it. I'm not abandoning my people, Shaul. Your kids are part of me and I think, at this point, I'm part of your kids. "Look at this way" she said to me as we stood by the fireplace, "now you have friends all over the world." She doesn't get it. They were my friends even before I came. Now they're me. When I bentched licht this last Erev Shabbos here, I asked Hashem to help you in all areas--that the kids should have good teachers, that you should get a new big good building, that you should all be healthy, that there be parnassah, that you be matzliach in your shlichus, and that it should all be very soon and very clear. I don't think you two realize the depth of my emotions and my care. Look how this 'last Shabbos memories' turned into a conversation with you...Then again, you nodded your confirmation when I assured you, after Shabbos, that my "speech" today was sincere. "When I was in the States a few months back, people asked me how I'm managing in this cold dark country. I answered them, 'In the home where I live, it is warm and it is light.'" I learned so much about Ahavas Yisroel. I learned so much about Hiskashrus. About being a Pnimi. About growing up. I have much much more to learn and, b'ezrat Hashem, I shall. On my next stop in this journey called 'Life'. It's oh so tremendously emotional. So heart-wrenching, to leave my friends. So gut-wrenching, to leave my children. I feel like Schindler, l'havdil. So much more to teach, so much more to give. "Just one more" story I coulda related. "Just one more" project we coulda made. "Just one more" lesson I coulda imparted. "Just one more" game, hug, walk, song. But, remember-I'm not sad. I'm weak and teary but I'm strong and clear-headed. It's not about me, it's about what has to be done. So, instead of bentching with a mezuman, I chatted with Lollo. It's not about me. It's about what has to be done. Instead of following along by Kriyas HaTorah, I calmed down Schejna. It's not about me. It's about what has to be done. And to answer your first question, yes-I do want special foods for Shabbos, but I'm not going to ask. It's not about me. I'm not a lone individual. I'm an integral part of a whole. I'm a soldier in a unit. This is the first time I've had this experience. A soldier is a soldier even when he's off-duty. And remember why a soldier has a head--only so he can strap his weapon around his neck. It's not about me, it's about what has to be done. Would I love to stay? Yes. Would I love to come back? Yes. Would I love to continue being under the Rebbe's wings, nay, ON the Rebbe's wings every second of the day and night? Definitely. Is it about me? No. Is it about what has to be done? Yes.
Am I feeling very very fragile and pretending to be very very strong? Perhaps....

3 comments:

mishmum said...

WOW!!!!
Is this my child? Nay. So why am I crying?
It is all good. It is all good.

Benzion said...

you know i wish my children to be your children

at least one of their owners will have values....staaaam

its sonia...too lazy to change accounts

Just me said...

Hey my dear...you going home for Pesach? So it looks like me my hubby and babes are going to be in long beach...hope to see you maybe???? :) Missing you and can;t wait to pounce on ya!