We were first called up on a Shabbos, immediately at the end of ten months of regular training and an extra two months of specialized training with the whole brigade on the Golan Heights. We were told that Israel was preparing for a possible conflict with Gaza. We were allowed to stay in phone contact at the beginning, and we listened for news from our families, always better informed than the army, to give us news. We heard the bombs falling near the Strip, and readied our gear. And we waited. And waited. Every day another rumor came in.
"We're going today"
"We're going today"
We waited a week. And they surprised us by sending us the following shabbat.
The first time we came back out, after the first twenty four hours, our unit was under the impression that all the other units would be coming out as well. A little R and R, and then back in. But only our soldiers arrived at the base. The others were in till the very end.
The next two weeks we were deployed over and over again into neighborhoods whose names are as ingrained as if from childhood memory, and told to ready ourselves for the final operational steps the army was preparing.
Thank g-d, for us, it never came. After fighting through less densely packed urban neighborhoods and villages, we never had to, as an army, enter the tightly packed urban nightmares of the inner cities.
A cease-fire was signed, and we pulled out with hatches open on our vehicle, waving flags and flashing the peace symbol even though no one was there to photograph it. After all, we were one of hundreds of squads returning. There was no way to record every tank and APC that came home. But it was cathartic, and made it official.
I saw many things. I heard things.
I saw soldiers who were virulently anti-religious put on tzitit under their bullet-proof armor. As one soldier put it, "Why do I put it on now, if I never wore it before? When do you ask your father for help? When you need it."
I saw heroes. Boys just out of high-school, young men who should have been playing sports or starting families or going to college, were loading weapons and placing armor on their fragile frames, securing helmets, and checking gear. They suppressed the fear the threatened at the edges of their minds, and as a unit swept across the fence and planted unwavering lines of boots in the soil of Gaza. I watched them fight like grown men against the evil. The first night we went in, we were unable to wear bullet-proof armor in my unit, and had to settle for flak vests. My young commander, who had an easy load to carry that wouldn't interfere with his vest, still left without bulletproof armor. "If my men don't, I don't". I told him the next day, I would have followed him through the entire Arab world if need be, my respect for him was so. I saw my brave wife, Chana, who came down to volunteer, just to be close to me, braving rockets and missiles to do so, and watched her help soldiers by handing out desperately needed winter gear and food. I watched chabadniks who came to us every day and inspired the soldiers with song and mitzvot. I saw heroes praying for our safety, and feeding us, and caring for us.
I saw pain. Just today, I ran into yet another friend from another unit, who tells me, when asked how he is, "I am fine from the neck down." Sixteen of his friends were injured in a blast on the first night. He lost many more until the end. He is still sweet, still charming, but his laugh is more weary, and his eyes are sadder. Another friend in a different unit lost two-thirds of his whole platoon when a bomb destroyed their house. He says he walked in, and he saw limbs moving or laying still, and bodies unattached to them, hurting, dead. He still hasn't pulled back completely.
A former commander of mine died, and a friend lost his arm and use of his legs, and is still in a coma.
I saw lies. The world is already trying to fault Israel, telling everyone that civilians died here, and Israelis murdered there, But I was there. My feet were on the ground and I saw the truth. I saw that warnings were given, I saw the enemy that fought us. I saw the twelve year olds with missiles and RPGs strapped to their backs. I saw that it was with sadness and great anger Israeli troops saw the need to fire on people who crossed the red line, the danger zone which meant they saw us, and knew where they were. Old people mined with bombs, children armed with detonators, tunnels that opened in the ground to swallow soldiers of ours. I watched my commanders passing out all of our food to the children who were taken prisoner. I received the commands "closed to fire on the right" if our intelligence had reported civilians in the area. I watched us, more often then not, taking cover when supposed civilian positions fired on us from the right. Yet the world thinks it can bend the truth. We were not allowed to fire on schools. We were told not to loot. We watched in anger as our bombs, so as not to fall on large civilian centers, fell on our own troops, so that we could tell the world we were attempting to scare the enemy while limiting civilian losses. Yet they won't say that in the press.
I saw cowardice. We listened with concern when Hamas threatened to use snipers and bombs on us, to fight us every step of the way with their fifteen thousand man army, and we watched videos of full brigades parading, waving their weapons and threatening Israel. But as we invaded, they fled. They would attack in small groups, hit us with missiles and sniper fire, and then flee. The 'warriors' of Hamas were brave when their rockets fell unanswered on the schools of children and the homes of elderly, but they did not stand when the enemy called them up to answer for their crimes.
I saw miracles. Rockets that blazed past our houses, bullets that scarred the outside of windows we were watching from. A unit near ours that was walking in had RPGs pass straight between their ranks without hitting a single soldier. Mines that didn't explode, mortar rounds that landed next to friends that didn't explode. RPGs that blazed into the earthen barrier directly in front of our APC, detonating before penetration. The night walk through a neighborhood that wasn't on the map, that was full of snipers and mines, according to reports, that we walked through unawares, by accident, without harm or incident. And that was just a taste of what we knew.
Every time I entered, every time I squeezed the trigger, every time a missile landed near by, I was struck by fear. It is a deep fear, hard to explain, but I will try. Your body shivers as if you are frozen to the core. You find yourself staring at the ground, trying to adjust to the ringing in your ears. You freeze, and unless someone slaps you, or you manage to shake yourself, your eyes stay downcast, and you lay numb on the earth, waiting without realizing. Eventually, training pushes your awareness to full, your gun snaps up, and adrenaline hides the signals of fear and hurt. You roll on fearlessly, or at least with adrenaline telling you that you are invincible.
But I have felt that weakness. I have felt my supposedly mighty muscles shudder, felt my devastatingly powerful weapon shake in my hands, felt my heart hammer against my armor, felt my soul and mind search for some way to avoid pain and the nightmares that were becoming real. I would have been lost, but for the words of my Rebbe. "Ein od Milvado" The mere utterance strengthened limbs, and a surge of faith and hope carried me, without fear throughout the invasion, without terror through the detonations and whistlings of richoting rounds and falling bombs. For I knew, for once KNEW and understood absolutely that I was in the hands of the greatest general on Earth. A veteran of every war and every conflict, the ultimate warrior and defender of his people. I remember the joy that swept through the lines when they said the head commander was entering the field, because of his experience and strategies, everyone felt safer. Yet, it reminded me that an even greater commander had been there all along. I understood the words of Tehilim 147, "Not in the strength of the horse does he desire, and not in the legs of man does he favor. Hashem favors those who fear him, those who hope for his kindness." My strength had failed me, yet when I begged G-d to allow me to be a conduit for his strength, to be his shield and sword for his people, I was able to stand and fight. Those nights, my body was there, but G-d fought on that field.
What was my other strength? I am not free of sin, and was by no means worthy of the miracles that befell me. That g-d aided me, that my entire battalion walked out, against all odds, while every other unit suffered losses, without serious casualty or mental scarring, was a miracle beyond any. That I was able to feel his strength replace mine, a gift for which I was undeserving. I would like to thank, with every fiber of sincerity and joy in my body, the thousands of people who davened for me, who prayed for the wellbeing of the army, who cried for the return of the fragile and precious jewish youth who fought like lions where men twice there age would have fled. You are the reason we returned. You are the reason I am alive. You, the people who daven and cry and feel you are not the front lines, are truly the army of Hashem. The IDF, as people should see, is merely the physical arm of what your prayers accomplish. You are the ones in the battle. We are the holding action, delaying the physical evil while you battle to clear the path for Moshiach. Never again will I feel a yeshiva student who learns all day is not brave for being with us on this field. Because I watched the words and letters that he learned and prayed march ahead of us, thousands deep, and millions strong, absorbing the bullets and metal meant for me.
I thank you, humbly, warriors of my heart and faith. You let me come home to my wife.
I want to thank the people who aided us. During this war, we recieved a tremendous outpouring of love and support; letters, donations, food, and clothing. In specific, because I know them, although without diminshing the greatness of all the people I dont know, I want to thank my mother and her tireless blogging efforts, my family for their support and letters, my wife for being brave beyond any woman or man I have ever known. I want to thank Congegration Tiferes Yisroel for remembering an old neighborhood kid, and multiplying that to help all my brothers in uniform. I want to thank all of the community in Baltimore for the davening and love that we felt even in the heart of darkness. I want to thank the little six year old who wrote, "Dear IDF, I am proud of you." I cried on that letter, my tears running through the pain and stress as we recovered from Gaza. I want to thank the people who donated money for the vests that saved our lives, the people that gave us clothes to warm our bodies, candy to warm our hearts, and letters to warm our souls. You cannot know what one pair of socks, one choclate bar, or one hastily written sentence can do to save the minds and hearts of your children from despair.
I am not as gifted with words as my mother, nor a hero as great as those who marched beside me or filled the air with prayer around me, but I hope from this letter, from my fumblings and my emotions you can draw for yourself the love and hope I am trying to convey.
I have seen this people, my people, at it's best and at it's worst, but through any time, I can see why Moshiach will come soon. As a nation, we drew together. Disunity, differences in Kippas or sects fell away, and everyone reached out to help as best they could. No one said, "I have no part" or "This isn't my war". May Hashem see the greatness of his holy, beautiful people, and allow me to sing that old song to my child, with absolute truth and great joy:
"I promise, my little one, that this is the last war."