Thursday, June 12, 2008

Another Tes Sivan [Reizi's Second Yahrtzeit]

I kept thinking that if I ignore it, it will go away. That if I don't think about it, it won't come.
But it doesn't work like that.
Ever faced a bear in a jungle? Well neither have I, but I imagine that paying it no attention will not bring about satisfactory results (er for you, at least).

But how could I focus on it?
But really, how could I not focus on it?

The 'Tes' of nearly every month does something to my heart.
It jolts me back to the first Tes. Tes Sivan.
That Tes Sivan.

I hate it.

I hate that Tes Sivan was coming and that Reizi wasn't here.
I don't want to learn things in her memory. I want to learn with her.
I don't want to organize shiurim in her zechus. I want the zechus to organize shiurim with her.
I don't want to tell kids to do mitzvos for her. I want her to do mitzvos with kids.
I don't want to reminisce, to mourn, to miss, to cry. I just want her alive.

How dare you, Tes Sivan??
How dare you take her away!?
What audacity you possess! What brazenness and nerve you harbor!
To pounce upon my friend like that!
To snatch away a little girl!
To lead Reizi away from us all.

You did it, Tes Sivan. Just like that.
Every day has its mission, I suppose.
Was your directive to find a pure, unchanged, piece of G-d down here in this tainted world and bring it up to Him?
Perhaps.
I can't blame you, Tes Sivan.
You found the most perfect piece.

But really, couldn't you have waited? Could you not have allowed us another few years? Another fifty, sixty, seventy, eighty years? She was only ten. Only ten years old, she was. Do you know what that is? Ha, but you're just a day. Only one day. One single day.

But your power.
Your influence.
Your impact.
One day took ten years away.

But listen up, Tes Sivan.
Listen good and well.
I'm not giving in.
None of us are.
No.
I'm not intimidated by you, Tes Sivan.
You don't scare me.
I don't have to turn my head anymore.
I can stare you straight in the eye.
I'm not afraid.
My power exceeds yours.
I'm gonna bring Reizi back in a way that you will never be able to touch her again.
She's gonna live forever and ever.
Forever and ever and ever and ever.
I'm gonna bring Moshiach, Tes Sivan.
See, I'm gonna make Reizi proud.
I'm gonna make her so proud and so encouraged and so empowered that she's gonna come down here and give me a huge hug.
Yeh.
She will.

Weapons of the Spirit.
Soon as I read that on the video cover in the library today, I thought of our own weapons of spirit.
Of soulburns.
We're so gonna win.

We will hold her.
I will feel her hands in mine.

And no Reizi, I'll never say goodbye.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

heart hurts, eyes wet, till when?

Bar Kochba said...

May HaShem comfort you among all of the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem. May He send the moshiach soon to wipe off every tear from our face.

the sabra said...

Amen, bk. Amen and thank you.

the sabra said...

Gosh Reizi.

the sabra said...

"Gosh Reizi" is right..!

Come back, will you??

Devorah said...

You brought tears to my eyes...that is such a powerful post. I can't relate to your pain because the pain of a parent is so much stronger but as someone who lost her brother at such a young age, I can identify with your pain.

It's that you wish they could have lived a little longer...but we must remember that each child given to us is a gift and we should appreciate the time we had together while realizing that nothing is a given. Every day we get to spend with family is a treasure.

May Hashem give you the strength to go on and may you be able to do many things to bring that day here soon - the day when all parents, children and siblings are reunited with techiyas hameisim!

Devorah said...

I read another post and realized that I thought you were a parent, then I saw you are a friend of Reizi - may Hashem heal the pain in your heart because it sure hurts to lose such a close and special friend!

the sabra said...

Yes, she really was incredible. Such strength. I see you read the 'Make Reizi Proud' post, so I've mentioned there how strong she was during it all. It's still so fresh and new, can't believe how many years have passed...

Thank you Devorah for reading about Reizi, and thank you for feeling and for commenting. Makes her feel more alive.

the sabra said...

Come baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack Reizi nu dai!!

the sabra said...

Not giving up on you, Reizi.
I'm still fighting Tes Sivan.