Wednesday, April 16, 2008

"Don't Yell Challah in a Crowded Matzah Bakery"

Some of my favorite excerpts from Schmutter's book:
(everyone in unison now, "oy he's so so funny")

Ok, let's start with some of his acknowledgments.

There are a lot of people without whom this book would not have been possible, and I plan to reiterate that if there are any lawsuits. Therefore, I would like to thank:
My wife, Sara, who does a lot of work around the house while I sit around and write, and never misses an opportunity to point that out.
The guys in shul, for proofreading my writing every week. During davening.
The Ribbono Shel Olam, for getting me to this point, and for making sure that this year had two Adars, without which I definitely would have missed my deadline again. In fact, I had been pushing for three Adars.

And his introduction?

Many years ago, our ancestors were enslaved in Egypt, a strange land (the Torah's words, not mine), whose inhabitants wore big snoods and miniskirts (and was just the men). The Egyptians did not believe in G-d; but instead worshipped astrology, cats, firstborns, sheep, the Nile, and a heavily-constipated monarch who insisted that everyone call him "Pharaoh" with an "F".

Yalla. And now for the book--

One year, I was holding the matzos and reciting the blessing of Hamotzi, when all of a sudden, right in the middle of the blessing, a huge piece of my bottom matzah plopped off and landed on the table. This was followed by a very awkward silence. (It was already silent, because everyone had washed for the matzah, but now the silence turned awkward. Sometimes you can just tell.)

After the Rabbi is satisfied that he owns the chametz of everyone in the shul, he runs away to Mexico and changes his name. I'm just kidding, of course. He's a Rabbi, he doesn't do things like that. That's why we sell it to him in the first place, as opposed to selling it to, say, the treasurer. What the Rabbi actually does is he turns around and sells it to a gentile, all the while hinting, but not actually saying, that the buyer has the right to sell it all back after Pesach for a small profit after he does the legwork and realizes that dragging a U-Haul around town to pick up a bunch of rapidly aging boxes of crackers may not be fiscally wroth it. Hanging out with Jews will do that to a goy.
RABBI: "So here is a big pile of forms (wink, wink), and I trust that you will pay cash for the rest of the merchandise in about a week or so (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)."
PROSPECTIVE BUYER: "If you don't stop elbowing me, I'm not going to buy your old food."


RECIPE FOR ICE CUBES:
(Source: The Fat-Free Cholesterol-Free Vegetarian Cookbook For Chassidishe-Yekke Lubavitchers with Allergies)
YOU WILL NEED:
2-3 cups Kosher-for-Passover homogenized filtered spring water
1 working freezer
2 ice cube trays, or 28 shot glasses and a roomy freezer
INSTRUCTIONS:
In a clean room, filter water through cheesecloth or an unused sock to remove all unwanted organisms. Dole out water into ice cube trays or shot glasses in equal amounts using a medicine dropper. Carefully hold tray perfectly level with both hands, and try to open the freezer with your face. Set tray down and open freezer normally. Turn around to pick up tray, while freezer door closes behind you. Set tray back down and open the door again, this time keeping your head in the path of the freezer door. Pick up tray again and brace for impact. If you still haven't spilled any of the water, carefully place tray on freezer door and swing shut. Allow 6 hours to cool. Serve with drinks or in really hot soup.

In fact, Terach had a store, called "Terach and Sons,"which sold idols and really big hammers...

"Hey!" one of the magicians named Larry exclaimed, coming up with what he thought was a great idea. "You're the god of the Nile; why don't you just change it back?"
To this day no one knows where Larry was buried.

And mama's favorite--
The point is that round matzahs are more fragile than newborn babies, and if you don't believe me, you can try holding a matzah by one end and smacking it on the bottom.

4 comments:

mama said...

That is SO NOT my favourite one. I have other favourite ones.
So there, let the world know.

the sabra said...

the world doesn't read my blog.
i know, i know, it's hard to believe...


(whew! good thing i kept those postcards!)

Es said...

I am the world. And I read your blog. So thank you Mama for clarifying. Hi chava :)

w said...

lol