Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Monday, March 19, 2007

im so anxious

and someone just told me to get a blog, im thinkin it might help if i had one, but i dunno-somethin about blogs make me wary..i think i'd rather stay far away from them. in the meantime, im just gonna make myself at home over here and talk about why im so anxious at the present moment.

im anxious cuz i kept pushin off callin and finally i did. call, that is. i am not sure why i didn't wanna call-i think i was scared of two reactions-one telling me we have no hope and the other that im overreacting. course i would rather the second. anyhow i finally put the butterflies to sleep (like durin shema n shmoneh esrai..alive but sleepin) and i call. he says call back in a half hour. i count the minutes pretending not to. waste my time. waste some more. try to be calm. call the other bunkmates makin sure they aint returnin before my call. they aren't. thank You hashem. 8 minutes left. run to the beis hakisei (oy i love you daniel) and then frantically start memorizing and reviewing tanya. yknow to make up in 3 minutes what i shoulda done in 3 weeks. so then i call and gd bless him, we get straight to the point and he doesnt make me feel awkward and he remembers exactly what we spoke about last time and hes thinkin what to do and im so relieved, im in good hands!! but then he says 'ok listen, can i ask u to call me back in 45 minutes?' oyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!! biggest and most primary oy is the return of the comrades. though i am loath to call one comrade. but alas, we are. in a sense. and i need to be ALONE when i talk to him. im freaked out enough as it is. too much responsibility on me. too much woahness. life and death is woah. im almost thinkin 'i cant handle it' but that would be false. gd gives ya what ye can handle. right. (ma kinda right) but then He also gives you rechovots number to help you out. right. (again ma kinda right). so why am i stressin? cuz its so huge and ive never dealt with these kinda things before. thank gd!! (and 'dealt' reminds me that there is no word in the english dictionary that rhymes with 'dreamt'. and if you find one, well sue snapple facts. i think it was them)

Sunday, March 18, 2007

goin to sleep on motzesh... so pleasant and enjoyable cuz of the melavah malka candles burnin, lightin up the darkness.

funny though, cuz usually i DESPISE light at night.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Times of Label #7

I held him up high, him half-sitting on my shoulder and my hands around his waist. I told him to put both his palms flat on the ceiling. He did one but refused to let go of my shoulder in order to put his other palm up. I started nudging his hand gently. I looked at him encouragingly, anxiously, wanting so badly that he do it, wanting him to conquer his fright, overcome his 'limitations'. I waited to beam with pride at our accomplishment.
And then he turned to me, and with a pleading look in his eyes and with a voice full of fright, he gasped 'scary!'

I couldn't have been prouder.

the lesson is obvious

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

i had an argument with the kids in bat ayin
they had been in gush katif (twas relatively 'right after' the hitnatkut)
we were talking about the validity vs necessity vs permissibility vs appropriatibility of the phrase 'lo nishkach v'lo nislach' [we will not forget and we will not forgive']
(ach i had a post or two on this..till i drafted all my early posts nu nu)

anyhow we were arguing about it

they agreed with it-
they said that we cannot forget nor forgive the soldiers for what they had done
i disagreed with it-
i said we cannot forget but we must forgive the soldiers for what they have done
i asked them how they can stand in front of hashem and beg for forgiveness for their own misdeeds while at the same time they are sealing their hearts to their own brothers-adamantly refusing to budge in their decision of nonforgiveness.
they said that it's different-
the soldiers aren't even ASKING to be forgiven!
once they ask, once they repent, once they regret-then we can talk about forgiving.
i said that we have to be dan lechaf zechus, who knows if we woulda been able to withstand the pressure/brainwashing etc?
they said it is so grand, so despicable, that we would have been strong
i said its impossible to know and we have to be judge favorably, have pity on them, open our hearts
they said that it was a sin of such magnitude, that we MUST condemn them
i said that its impossible to know what sins are magnificent in hashems eyes and which are 'minor'
they said that it was a chillul hashem on such a huge level, that its impossible to think otherwise...

and on and on we went. we all started to look at things a teeny bit differently, became less stubborn in some areas, more in others and even changed our minds a bit...especially once we started quoting different halachic sources and torah giants.

then i said 'but i dont forgive hashem'

and woah, bedlam erupted.

how can u say that?!?!
who are u not to forgive hashem?!?
what do you mean that YOU don't forgive hashem? hashem doesn't need YOUR forgiveness!!
where do you get such chutzpah-to say that you don't forgive hashem!?!
why are you blaming hashem? its the soldiers who did it!!

and i was a bit taken aback. i honestly had not expected that reaction.
so i tried explaining, but man were they indignant.
i wanted to tell them about free choice-how yes, every jew has got it, but everything is really from hashem. in a way, we are puppets. we are forced to play around in certain parts-but we get to choose which parts we want. so though we get rewarded n punished for our actions and interactions with mankind, its hashem that decides who will get what.
i wanted them to understand that we are allowed to beg from hashem and demand from Him to rip up harsh decrees, that hashem waits for our cries and for our tears, that we are REQUIRED to 'bother' hashem
i wanted them to shout ad mosai with me
i wanted them to see that hashem is waitin for our teshuva and that the reason why we are in golus has as much to do with destroyed shuls as it has to do with lashon hora.

and i don't remember if anyone got convinced. maybe a bit, maybe some, but on the whole they disagreed with me.

they thought i was mishug

i became a bit less sure of myself. maybe i was wrong. maybe we are not allowed to be angry with hashem and say ' i dont forgive you, hashem'.
what do i know? im just a kid.

but i thought of the rebbe screaming 'ad mosai', of the rebbe telling hashem He has no reason not to bring us geulah.
so i dunno if we are allowed to say 'we don't forgive You' but i knew we could be angry and demand a change in fate-cuz this is one fate that we don't deserve.

and then just now, just before, someone says to me it's 5am, just woke up, can't sleep
so i say hope u can sleep and i hope ur sleep has not been disturbed due to s/t negative
she says of course it has
of course? i ask.
ye, she says, thats the only time my sleep is disturbed. upset at hashem, that's all.

those words 'upset at hashem' jumped out at me
flashed me back to the roadside of bat ayin
where we had sat-a group of girls flung into darkness, cautiously and earnestly and courageously workin our way out with light...

and i shivered
times never change, do they?

so we exchange a few more words
terse ones

and then i bid her good night
i hope you sleep well, i tell her
but not before you scream at hashem

ugh thank you she says
yea, He can take it

Friday, March 09, 2007

Thursday, March 08, 2007

u mean to tell me that when moshiach comes we will long for these days of golus??


4w9ijatsiojngwioarengskdngiwoerhjytiosdkjgsdnglka;joiajg9U9PU90 UI9u9U POIJT:j9PW49T UTY9PASJDOASJGIAHIH

punch scream kick attack
sob choke freak attack
mind all hazy, outta wack
i want my brothers back

one day well see
one day well know
but till then we go n go

always movin
always goin
never stoppin
never slowin

must believe with number three
sons of believers are called we
know it real, no out belief
see the goodness in the grief

but the time is so far gone
the time when we should have been gone
gone from this slavery, gone from this mess
should have been gone and were still in distress

wish i could
oh i wish i can
show u all G-d's loving hand

but nimas li the answers
nimas li the veil
nimas li the convincing
i want out of this jail

i want moshiach to come right now

Purim 5767

Thursday, March 01, 2007

some things i just wanna say right now

purim is majorly sweetbitter right now. unless s/o brings moshiach and FAST :(

it makes me cry more when jan feels as i do towards eretz yisrael, but it also comforts me

sonia just said that ita cray is our dugma chaya. so i said 'but she hangs out with men..or one man at least'. and so she answered 'that's what makes her our dugma chaya'. so im trying to figure out if it was the first part of my sentence that made her say that or the second. cuz we were on gmail chat and im not sure if she saw the second one by the time she wrote it. ill ask her later. either way, its official. ita cray is our dugma chaya. (now is when u say 'ita cray man!')

im cold. i should get my warm slippers-from grandmaliza, thanks a bunch-but then i won't shower as fast. nu nu. off i go to get em
never mind, i just put on the heater instead
hehe i love Lady Laziness

its funny. a buncha things. no i dont feel like sharing the specifics right now.

when i don't have a satisfactory purim look, i get angry.
last year i got really angry.
i think my roommates got scared
then i ended up getting a really good costume
i was so happy
i think they were still scared though
i hope i don't get angry this year
i don't have a satisfactory purim look yet.
(s/o suggested i dress up as a JAP or a blogger..but those are scrappy ideas hehe)

im really excited to see eliyaho and yonaton
i don't get why they said they are coming for shabbos and not for sunday
nu nu
and if a certain someone has a good memory, something will click with the first line of this 'paragraph'. provided, of course, that they even know that this blog exists

this is starting to sound like all those blogs out there-whiny and tfsy

and for the final line (though i might just start a new one in about two minutes lol)-
i canceled my china man appointment tonight and im so glad i did. baruch havaya.

p.s. did i mention how extremely and senses-overtakingly bittersweet this purim looks like?