Wednesday, January 31, 2007

no expectations, no disappointments

tis the rule



p.s. completely unrelated, but 'm'-i still have more to say and i wasn't running away... just thought u'd gain more if u got it another way...

no!!! what have they done to 'my' kever?!!?

when the cookie monster is mean to the sabra---

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.

He wanted a truck while she wanted a sports car.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services are pending



boy do i have something up my sleeve NOW...heeheeheee

:>

איך זה שבנים לא עומדים בתור בשבילך

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Last night, I fell in love...

...with Nichoach

"Using G-d Given Talents Will Bring One To The Truth" (a story of the rebbe)

For those seeking to meet the Rebbe, one opportunity to do so was at the conclusion of the farbrengens [Chasidic gatherings] at the close of every festival, when the Rebbe would distribute the traditional kos shel bracha ["cup of blessing"] to tens of thousands of people. On one such night, the writer and publicist Natan Yellin- Mur waited for his moment with the Rebbe.

Natan was born in Vilna to Torah-observant parents and was educated in that city's well-known yeshivot. As a young man, however, Natan abandoned the practices and beliefs of Judaism in favor of secular Zionism. He became a leading Zionist activist, finally making his way to the Holy Land. There he joined "The Stern Gang," the most radical of the Zionist groups fighting for an independent Jewish state.

After the establishment of the state in 1948, as mundane politics replaced the ideological fervor of the pre-independence years, Natan became disillusioned with the cause for which he had fought with such vehemence. He turned fiercely anti-Zionist and pro-Arab. An eloquent writer, he regularly published articles defaming everything Jewish, and particularly the Jewish state and its policies.

Natan was on line for kos shel bracha that night because of his acquaintance with Gershon Ber Jacobson, editor of the New York-based Yiddish language newspaper, The Algemiener Journal.

Gershon Ber is a Lubavitcher chasid. His paper is certainly pro-Israel and supportive of Yiddishkeit; but Gershon Ber also believes in pluralistic journalism and freedom of expression. To the consternation of many of his readers, he invited the self-proclaimed atheist and anti-Zionist to write for the Algemeiner and published the venomously anti-Israel and anti-Jewish articles the writer sent in. When Gershon Ber suggested to Natan that he meet the Rebbe, the writer accepted the invitation.

As the two men approached the Rebbe, Gershon Ber introduced his guest. The Rebbe smiled broadly at Natan, and said, "I read your articles."

Natan's idea of a Chasidic Rebbe did not prepare him for a person who reads newspapers, much less articles such as his own. But what surprised him even more was what followed. "When G-d blesses someone with a talent such as yours," the Rebbe was now saying, "one must utilize it to the fullest. This is a Divine calling, and an immense responsibility. It is your G-d-given power and duty to make full use of your capacity to reach out to others and influence them with your writing."

Thinking that perhaps the Rebbe was mistaking him for someone else, Natan asked, "Does the Rebbe agree with what I write?" The Rebbe replied, "One need not agree with everything one reads. What is most important is that one uses one's G-d-given talents. When one does so, one will ultimately arrive at the truth."

Before the flattered writer could adjust to the unexpected turn the meeting was taking, the Rebbe's words struck a place in his heart he'd long thought to have been silenced forever. "Tell me," said the Rebbe in a gentle yet firm tone, "what is happening in regard to the observance of Torah and mitzvot?"

Not wanting to lie, nor wishing to offend the Rebbe with his atheism and anti-religiosity, Natan replied, "A Jew thinks."

"But in Yiddishkeit," countered the Rebbe, quoting the Talmudic maxim familiar to Natan from his yeshiva years, "it's most important to do. 'The primary thing is the deed.'"

Natan returned, "At least with me it's like in the story with the Berditchever." Natan was referring to the story of Rabbi Levi Yitzchak of Berditchev's encounter with a Jew who was smoking on Shabbat. Rabbi Levi Yitzchak, famous for his literal inability to see anything negative in a fellow Jew and his persistent advocacy on behalf of his people, said to the transgressor: "Surely you're not aware that today is the holy Shabbat." "No," said the man, "I'm perfectly aware that it's Shabbat today."

"Then perhaps you don't know that it's forbidden to smoke on Shabbat," said Rabbi Levi Yitzchak. "No," said the man, "I know what the law says about smoking on Shabbat." Rabbi Levi Yitzchak lifted his eyes to heaven and cried, "Father in Heaven! How precious are your people, Israel. See how a Jew is incapable of telling a lie."

Natan was about to tell the Rebbe to which story he was referring. But before he could, the Rebbe rejoined, "The difference is that the Berditchiver said this in defense of another person, while you are saying it in defense of yourself..."

With that, the meeting came to a close. The Rebbe poured some wine into Natan's cup, blessed him, and turned to the next in line.

Several months later, Natan was diagnosed with terminal cancer, G-d forbid. Shortly before his death, he sent a sealed envelope to Gershon Ber, with a note stating that it contained an article that he wished to be published posthumously.

Gershon Ber complied, and following Natan's death the article was printed in the Algemeiner Journal. "My dear reader," Natan had written, "as you read this article I am standing before the heavenly court being judged for all the actions I took and the choices I made in the course of my life. No doubt, I will be severely judged for living a life totally antithetical to anything Jewish. In fact, I have severe doubts that I will even be allowed to speak in my defense. This is why I asked your editor to print this now, as I stand before the heavenly court, in the hope that what is being read and discussed at this moment on earth will attract the attention of the Supernal Judge. For I have one merit which I want to present to the court in the face of my failings and transgressions."

Then, Natan related his exchange with the Rebbe. "The Rebbe said to me," he concluded, "that I have a G-d-given talent and that it is my sacred duty to utilize it to influence others. This I did to the best of my ability, however misguidedly. This is the only merit I can claim; may it lighten the destiny of my soul..."




Gonzo just posted this story on his blog...personal reasons related....I read it and felt um I wanted to share it too :)
(twas written by Yanky Tauber for the L'chaim)

Friday, January 26, 2007

israel

y'know why it hurts?
cuz i lived for them and now they're living for themselves
and that is why it hurts

Thursday, January 25, 2007

senses of comfort

*eating chocolate (or anything cocoa bean related)
*learning chassidus from the original text
*listening to matisyahu sing certain songs
*saying tehillim
*sleeping in late
*wearing jean skirts
*being the only one in the apartment
*seeing my army uniform

and more....

beautiful?

"Beauty is in the lies of the beholder"

(Mion B. Rellientz)

My response to the fazed one and his non love of poetry

There once was a girl who was on the right track
Except for the golus which near made her crack
A nightmare so dense, opposites now the same
She 'troduces herself different-but whats in a name?

Many are confused, want answers please
Some, to grow; some to shoot the breeze
I'll let you in, feel bad you're in the dark
And I'll clarify my inyan of fire and spark
It began with a joke between people three
Then dripped onto my blog, as you can see

Electricity knocked out by a hurricane's the case
So we kidded that she now lives in a CAVE thats DARK and DANK for she put candles all around so she can see with the light and if you haven't noticed, this last post goes against my 'al tishali oti' and doesn't leave u unanswered and confused...in the race. (woops!)

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

my heroes, my heroes, my heroes

You asked who my heroes are.
I have many. I have none.
When a hero fails, they are gone and never were.
It's bad, I know.
But all that aside-
There
are many people that I respect and admire. Many people I learn from. Many people I wish I'd learn from. Many people I look up to. (And hey, I'm no shortie). Many people that inspire me. Many people that move me. Many people that move me to tears. Many people that make me move. Many people who light a spark in my soul.
For post's sake, I'll call them 'heroes'.


The following is a COMPLETE list of ALL my heroes and EVERY reason why I heroize them so. Yup, that
means you can come running to me afterward with a disgruntled/angry/amazed/confused/accusatory partzuf and sue me for leaving someone out and/or for not giving a satisfactory explanation as to WHY this hero was chosen.
sheesh

(in alphabetical order because I can't think of a different order that would make sense to me)

Hero 1- Aliza for she puts practical into abstract and abstract into practical

Hero 2- Anonymookie for she taught me much

Hero 3- Chaya, my new friend, for her easy spirit and her tough will

Hero 4- Each and every soldier who was mesarev pekudah and didn't expel (or have any part at all in the expulsion of the) Jews who had been living in Gush Katif until the summer of 2005 for doing what they did

Hero 5-Everyone involved in Maaseh Nissim for the heroes themselves who don't even think they are heroes and for the volunteers who have recognized and actively appreciate these heroes

Hero 6- Founders of Malchus for putting thought to action, in a positive & world-changing way.

Hero 7- Mrs. Teichtel (principal of Beis Rivkah, CH) for her love and her patience

Hero 8- Mrs. Turen for her mind-boggling devotion and care

Hero 9- Oskar Schindler for regretting that he didn't save even one more person

Hero 10- Reizi Rodal for she accomplished in 10 years what people don't manage in 70

Hero 11- Rochel, and Akiva her husband for their love of Torah

Hero 12- Rochel Imeinu for always being there for me

Hero 13- Shluchim of the Lubavitcher Rebbe for transcending nature

Hero 14- The chassidim and melamdim who were active in Russia under communist rule for breathing for lives not their own

Hero 15- The chossid who responded to my playful comment of "Well, before I go to anyone's house, I check to see if they are a real chossid of the Rebbe or not", with an immediate "Pff, well you definitely came to the wrong house", for he is a continuous dugma chaya of an emesdike chossid.

Hero 16- The Frierdiker Rebbe for mesiras nefesh

Hero 17- The Jewish residents of Chevron for holding onto my holy city

Hero 18- The staff and volunteers of Camp Simcha for they give life

Hero 19- Writers of published bestseller books for they effect people worldwide

Hero 20- Yidden who 'went through' the holocaust for Hashem only gives tests of such magnitude to those really close to Him.


If anyone cares to hear more info/thoughts on any of the above-mentioned heroes of mine, feel free to disregard the blog title.
Oh and you can obviously hold me liable to everything I've written here and I have no right to change my mind at any given time. Oof.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Nazi Archives Made Public

you know where to click to view a preview of sorts to my hero post which may possibly never show face due to lack of time and quiet and nothing else



*thanks CE for sendin it to me

Friday, January 19, 2007

Prayer

At this time, I close my eyes
And bare my soul (/hear my song)
With a heart filled with tears and sorrow
I pray to you for the good days that are gone
Give me the strength to carry on

And though I seem to smile and at times even to sing
Don't be fooled by these actions
Because they don't mean a thing

Our hearts would love to cry
And our minds to wonder why
But who are we to question our Father in the sky?

Soldiers keep on marching
Soldiers don't look back
Soldiers do not cry
Soldiers don't ask why

And a chossid is a soldier, always moving on
Give us the strength to carry on...

Hashem, you don't demand more than we can give
But look at us now--what's this life worth that we live?

Our hearts are torn apart
Our tears would fill the sea
And the shechina's in this Golus here with me

And our brothers live in fear
In our country we hold so dear
Always on alert
Hoping no one will be hurt

And the people they call leaders
How I wonder if they care
They put our lives in danger
Just to be Man of the Year

How long will it be?
And how much is the cost?
How many Jewish lives in Israel will be lost?
Who gives who the right
To give Chevron without a fight
Against our holy Torah and Yiddishkeit

Suddenly all at once
Like lightning from the sky
Our troubles will be over
And G-d will lift us high
And in a moment, in a second
G-d can change it all
And send us the Geulah
There's no time left to stall

And you don't demand more than we can give
But if this is what you ask, I'm sure that we will last
But till the day will come and the world will know you're One
Give us the strength to carry on...

Soldiers keep on marching
Soldiers don't look back
Soldiers do not cry
Soldiers don't ask why

Yes, I am a soldier trying to move on
Give me the strength to carry on...


(a song from Chaim Fogelman)

On Heroes, Honey & Hurting

Dovid tagged me to write about heroes. Before I do that though, I gotta de-tag myself from AnonymOOkie and CS. (Kinda like when you wanna open a new apple juice carton but you still have an old one open...)

They say I gotta write 6 things that are weird about myself.
Huh?
Six things that are weird about the sabra?
Err anyone else find that daunting?

So instead, I'm gonna take the liberty of just writing some things (6, 6 + 6 cuz I was tagged twice, ani yodaat? mah zeh mishaneh bichlal) that I thought about this week in association with the word 'weird'. Meaning, either I thought that it was weird, or I thought that it was weird that people thought it was weird or I thought it was weird that no one else thought it was weird, or it rhymed with weird...

Here goes (in no particular order...except one which I cannot reveal but you wouldn't understand anyhow so it makes no difference):

1. I recently began putting honey on ALL my lunch foods. Whether its rice or whole wheat pasta, whether its green beans or baked potatoes, whether its pita or OK YOU GET THE IDEA, I put honey on EVERYTHING. I will not swallow a morsel of lunch food if its not smothered (ok, sometimes tis only drizzled) with honey.
I don't think it is so weird, but maybe a little bit; my co-worker thinks its mishug.

2. People do onto others what they wouldn't want done onto themselves.
I think that is most outrageously weird.

3. When I wake up in the morning, I am rarely shocked that Moshiach isn't here.
That's weird. And embarrassing. (ahem, you know who, I thought about it honestly and realized that first thing in the morning, it's not what I usually think about. err, it's quite rare that it's the first thing..and if it is, i'm not shocked. only upset and annoyed.). Very weird. Very embarrassing.

4. Besides for makeup, my makeup bag is also home to a dreidel, some rocks and a bullet.
I guess that's weird.

5. Sometimes, when I'm walking myself and feel most connected to Hashem, the thought will suddenly come to me that the cat I see sitting on the doorstep, or the worm crawling on the leaf are gilgulim of neshamos that are waiting for me specifically to elevate them, to finish that one last thing that they came into the world for. So I'll recite a 'random' perek of tehillim or possuk from chumash a 'random' amount of times...and then wait for the creature to shrivel up and die.

It never happened. But I keep doing it.
It definitely weirds me out and I wish I'd stop doing it.

6. They say that shared joy is double joy and shared sorrow is half sorrow. I find it to be the opposite, at times (not always, mind you). That when I share my joy, it gets diminished and when I share my sorrow it only increases.
Weird of them. All of them.

7. My dead sea facial wash is made in the usa.
Weird.

8. I view my openness as a vulnerability to others. Others view it as an intimidating factor.
Weird.

9. Someone once told me that they needed tehillim said for them. I said ok. A few days later (after the date passed and the tehillim was said) we began discussing something personal and suddenly our conversation/disagreement turned into an argument which turned into an insult-fest which led to a swordfight err lets not get carried away here, ah? what was I saying? oh, ya, the conversation. so ya, next thing I know, the jew tells me 'I regret telling you about why I need tehillim said or asking you to daven'. completely thrown off, I automatically 'judge favorably' and assume it's because of he's in (physical) pain at the moment. His response? 'No, it's not. It's because of your uncalled for harsh reply. I can do without your tefillos if you are going to talk like that'.
That is the ultimate weirdness in my eyes-that a Jew will say he regrets asking another Jew to daven. And noch, it's after the fact-after the tefillos were said, after the tehilim recited, after the bakashos requested-he says that he can 'do without them'?
Nu, it's a bitter golus.

10. The fact that people in the world think that Israelis are the ones oppressing the Arabs (um Palestine does not exist, sorry kids).
Besides for that being weird, it makes me angry. Like I said, it's a bittere golus.

11. When I take off my glasses, my vision is blurred. That's cuz my eyes are weak and the lenses fill in for strength. When I take off my glasses, I automatically assume that the vision of everyone else in the vicinity is also blurred. I forget that my nose was the only resting spot for my spectacles. Then I talk and move as if all are in the same sitch as I am. I NEVER remember (not to pick my nose....)!*
It's weird that I make that same assumption EVERY time. Gotta speak with other glasses-wearers...

And the last one-
12. I notice there are many children who wear rainboots and don't jump in puddles. What's wrong with you kid?? Adults, I can understand-they don't want to ruin the rest of their clothes, they are too heavy to lift their whole body at once, they are embarrassed to be seen jumping and splashing in the waters...ich veis?...but kids? Why aren't they all hopping and dancing like wild Indians? Why aren't they bouncing and stamping in the waters?
It's weird, admit it.


And now, ever the one to follow rules, I hereby tag the sabra.


*we do this in real life, as well. sucks.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Times of Label #5

Oy I'm so spoiled.
I see results so quickly.
Baruch Hashem, Baruch Hashem, Baruch Hashemmmmmmmm.

Today, I put out two sheets of paper.
One had a lady and an airplane drawn on it, and the other one had a man and a tree.
I also put out two markers.
One was blue, the other one was orange.
And I put out a sheet of multi-colored stickers.

His hands were on the table. The stuff were in front of him. He wasn't touching, only watching.

Then I said, "Take the blue marker and make a line from the man to the tree"
He did.
Then I said, "Take the blue marker and make a line from the lady to the airplane."
He did.
Then I said, "Take the orange marker and make a line from the lady to the airplane."
He did.

Woah.

K then I said, "Take a green sticker and put it on the tree".
And he did.
Then I said, "Take a yellow sticker and put it on the lady."
And he did.

Woah!!

Helloooo???

BARUCH HASHEM!



(To read previous records of the Times of Label, click here)

Monday, January 15, 2007

(remembering) the normal ones. the zula ones

the other night in the zula this guy i know was drunk and it was a bit scary for me, and in general there are all types of interesting ppl in the zula and so i muttered something how 'koolam po mamosh mishugaim' and this guy turns to me, in hebrew, 'u think they're not normal? so who's normal, tell me please-the people who can't even enjoy and understand or appreciate life because they sit in front of computers all day in their businesses trying to make money and not talking to anyone and just being serious and only caring about themselves and only into how they look and what their money can do for them..thats normal? normal is always worrying what everyone will say and being uncomfortable trying to be someone you're not??!" and i thought about it, and came to the conclusion that-u know what, ur absolutely right. i do agree with you. and that is the precise explanation as to why i love the zula.
and i am proud to say that i now consider myself normal.
we are the normal ones.
the zula ones.

The Lench and The Son

b'ezrat hashem, b'ezrat hashem, b'ezrat hashem



and btw its ok that we are having such an intelligent conversation now yknow...it'll prepare you for it...and you KNOW which story you are not allowed to mention ahem ahem....love you!..eew, not you, YOU...uh actually maybe you too one day....

Sunday, January 14, 2007

walla, chof beis shevat is the date that was chosen for the school systems to remember Gush Katif.

i lost the battle even before war was proclaimed

i just found out today that even before i came, the decision was made that i was not wanted
my personality will clash with hers and that she can't accept, can't tolerate.
i will overshadow her, compete with her and that's no good
i was despised even before i appeared
i was unwanted even before we were acquainted
walla

and here i am trying to mend...while the tear was there before the garment.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Groaning by itself won't do a bit of good.

A groan is only a key to open the heart and eyes, so as not to sit there with folded arms, but to plan orderly work and activity, each person wherever he can be effective, to campaign for bolstering Torah, spreading Torah and the observance of Mitzvot.

One person might do this through his writing, another with his oratory, another with his wealth.


(Part of the Hayom Yom for 23 Teves )
nervous israeli


(instead of the other post i wrote and published)

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Self-Pity

Self-pity is nothing less than an impulse to destroy yourself. And this is its script:

"This is the way you were made. These are the facts of your situation. It's bad. Worse than anybody else in the whole world. In fact, it's so bad, it's impossible to do anything about it. And therefore, you are free from any responsibility to clean it up. Nobody can blame you for anything."

Self-pity is a thief, and a liar. A thief, because it steals away every opportunity you have to move on in life. A liar, because anyone who says he tried to clean up his mess but couldn't succeed is telling an outright lie.


Subscribe to 'A Daily Dose of Wisdom from the Rebbe'
(words and condensation by Tzvi Freeman)

Did you see the pelican?

oof

Saturday, January 06, 2007

"Resistance towards empathy is commonly a result of an insecurity festering internally"

(Mion B. Relliantz)

Thursday, January 04, 2007

ahem
take two anti-jealousy pills and listen to this-
12:30pm and finished all of the day's chitas and tehillim aaaaaaaand mincha
ahem ahem

New Years Eve... [on a bench]

Throngs and singles of people passed by her and many noticed her. Staring would take too much brainpower so they simply did the nano-gawk and walked on. Stumbled on, mostly. They noticed her because while they and their counter-partyers were doing just that-partying-she was sitting cross legged on the town bench, reading. Yeh, reading. On New Year's eve. In the center of town. In the center of noise and shouts. And she was silent. In the center of pushing and jumping. And she was still. In the center of immodesty and indecency. And she was intransigent. In the center of crassness and vulgarity. And she was refined. She was in the center of lowness, and she was above them all.

So it was no wonder that they noticed her and reacted. No, no wonder at all.

But how? How did she do it? How did she stay above them? And why? Why was she behaving so differently? And why was she sitting there, specifically? And what was she reading? And lastly, how was it that the mocking words of the passers-by did not penetrate but merely bounced back to the speaker?

Let us examine this.

Even from far, we can see that she is not like the rest. Her manner of dress makes that obvious. She wears a long, sturdy, conservatively dark, subtly billowing, skirt. Her protection against the icy winter night comes in the form of a thick, green, comfortable sweatshirt. With a hood.She wears it not. Irrelevant. Or maybe that shows on her pride. On her brazenness. Who can know?

Let us go closer.

She holds something in her hand. A black object lies at her side. Her furrowed brows alternate between the brand new, timeless pages in front of her and the old, digital camera at her side. And then, every few minutes, her fingers reach for the sleek cell phone in her pocket. Once, it's to check if it's there; the next time, to check the time; after that, to check if it's there...

Let us go closer.

The book she is holding is a compilation of ma'amarim said by the Lubavitcher Rebbe on the topic of Moshiach. "Learning about Moshiach will hasten his coming", the Rebbe had said many times. So she learns. The maamar she is learning is on the words 'Tzion b'mishpat tipadeh v'shaveh b'tzedakah' (a possuk from Yeshayahu). She reads about exile and redemption, about souls and bodies, about righteous men and undeserving, of justice and charity. She mouths the words as she reads. She needs more than to simply understand; she needs to let it leave the pages and enter her heart. She needs her fingernails to feel the truth. She needs to let it seep into every crevice of her body until she is one with the words and the worlds they represent. She needs to learn so she can know; she need to know so she can do; and she needs to do so she can take us out of exile.

Wait, I don't understand. If these words are so important, the urgency so tangible, the lessons so holy, the task so vital-why does she sit here? Here amongst the drunkards and their admirers. Should she not have chosen a more fitting and appropriate spot for the delicate and sacred learning?

Let us go closer.

As we saw earlier, she is not focused only on her learning. No. She is dealing with two other items as well-her camera and her phone. She brought the camera to freezer-pack the scenes around her. And she brought the phone so her worried friends can call her sometime before dawn and worry more when she answers not. (Err something like that.) But wait, why the conflict? Why learn if it's the fireworks you are after? And why carelessly enter a danger zone if you will be concerned all the while? Why the split?

Let us go closer; let us enter her heart and her brain and attempt to understand what we are seeing.

*sishoooooo zip to the past*
"K what should I do tonight? Everyone else left already hmmm I guess I can go to sleep early but on first thought, my body will react strangely to such an experience hmmm it'll be really nice to go out for a change..myself, yknow...too long I've been with people...it'll be nice...k where should i go and what should i do?...o yay! i can finally go to The Square and just sit myself amongst the crowds. I've been wantin to do that since we passed thru that, the first time....i can just sit and listen to music or maybe just bring a book and let myself unwind...feh, ill bring something to learn. ok this is really exciting. o and look-it's not even late now, not at all-i think it's about 8pm or so...great..thanks hashem..k lemme just go upstairs n get my coat and a sefer....no i dont want to take bina gold, thanks for the offer though, and no, not 'chutzpah' either...'greatest army units' sounds sweet but epes not for now...JLI handbook? hmmm ill leave that for the plane...nu i need a good ol fashioned sefer on chassidus..down to the library..found one..walla! have i really just spent three hours talkin to the rebbetzin and my friends? maybe i should just forget about it...no i gotta go..i dont quit...and they said it's not dangerous..tov..and theres no work tomorrow yeehaw...oh? i should make sure to be alone at midnight? lamah? ahh ok bseder...off i go..i take the cell...strange feeling..haven't had one in a while...protection that frightens-kinda like seeing soldiers all around you...nu nu...so wait, why am i going there? if it's ketzat mesukan with all the drunkards tonight, why bother goin? i wont be able to concentrate that way...and chutz m'zeh, cmon-be honest-you really gonna learn? u gonna be firework droolin, i know you...no no im really gonna learn. im gonna go to the merkaz of klipah and elevate it to kedusha. ya? for real? u that strong? well we'll never find out if i don't try, huh? no seriously, why u doin that to yourself? just give it up. no, i cant. should i tell you why? cuz i have to go the exact spot where he sat and sang bob marley songs, and i have to sit there and recite words of torah. i need to be mamshich rays of elokus that can help bring him back. huh? it's not your fault, why do you keep thinking like that? first of all, i don't ALWAYS think like that-once in a while though, when he does step into my train of thought so i experience a stab of guilt. of responsibility. are we not all responsible for one another? and when the horse races off the track with a speed of sound, should we not be concerned? so i must go. i must rectify it. whether it makes sense or not. okkk do what you want but remember my warning-it wont be easy. that doesn't scare me, and you know it. tov, be well. sheesh, always givin me a hard time..well fancy that-i've arrived..how did i remember the way? ain lee moosag..im sailin down the walking streets, in between the people, not connecting at all...so many benches, so many perfect spots to sit and learn. to focus amongst the mayhem. but i shall not rest, i shall not stop. i have a destination. er where exactly? nu to the square. i get to the square. it's empty. huh? ya, it's empty. they're settin off fireworks there. waiiiiiit a second. thats not supposed to happen! i came to---chill out, so G-d laughed. nu what you gonna do now huh? o pulease, get that challenging glint outta ur eye and unsmirkisize ur face-dude you should know me better than that...take some pics that resulted in black screens...change the setting to 'fireworks' and snap again...result is the same...point gotten...retrace my steps..glare at the attempted wise midnighters who acted stupidly...sit on a bench. take out the sefer. fingers are white. from cold and from strength of clutch. pull out the camera to ready it for the big explosion...check time via clock via phone....ok breathe. i can learn now. so long as I'm cheremed at 12, im ok...."

So she learns. And the people pass her by. And minds intoxicated mock. Why do they mock? Is it an attempt to drown out their feelings of inadequacy in the face of such singularity? Are they trying to overcome their feelings of discomfort at viewing her distinct presence? Do they feel threatened by her confidence? Do they resent her inner peace which overflows onto her face? Or are they simply drunk with themselves and desensitized to the kedusha which is so glaringly bright in the eyes of those that open them?

Let us go closer.

Actually, we shan't. It isn't just. We have invaded deep enough. Let us leave her alone and continue on with our own lives.

Happy New Year.



And then the sabra had no more patience to finish up because it's three days and one country later and the mood evaporated and she can't write unless she's in that mood and she's not that superb at recreating moods and she's a tad frustrated because she doesn't like writing things that don't do justice and time brings justice so she really has no excuse but she had to release it so i guess that means she'll have to deal with her frustration instead. nu nu.

Monday, January 01, 2007

the fireworks in your life

i really like watching fireworks
i do
its a tremendous thrill
each boom
can watch em for hours
boom and BOOM and boom and BOOM
delightfully frightening
oddly comforting
those big bangs
boom and boom and boom
i like the noises more than the colors
the sound more than the show btw
(never mind tis beneficial for the kyphosis)
so ya im totally enraptured by them but hey, i keep my focus yknow
i watch em for a bit and then move on down the path
watch em some more and then move on again
move on in life

some people don't

some people want their whole lives to be one of fireworks
of loud noises and flashy colors
of sudden thrills and constant rushes
but yo, you'll never get enough
you can't get enough
when does one say 'ok, that's enough. i've had my fill of the fireworks'?
they don't
you won't
cuz you can't get enough
you know why?
cuz its superficial
so it will never satisfy you
the long lasting thrill that you long for has gotta come from within

do you know that my heart soars with each flare?
that i hold my breath till it explodes?
that my life, at the moment, is bound with the zoom?
do you not realize that im overcome with a headiness not at all dissimilar to yours?
do you think i am oblivious to the awesomeness?
that i don't appreciate the extremity?

i shiver as you do and laugh out of sheer delight
honestly

but just as honestly, i gotta tell you-
it's time to move on.
time to stop gawking and start acting
no, im not advising you set off the crackers yourself
im telling you to drop the fireworks and start gettin high from Truth