Wednesday, September 19, 2007

An open letter to G-D (written by the mother of a special needs child)

Dear MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE.

Today, you have broken me.
My heart (and my back).
Today Aibershter, you outdid yourself.
You have given me Sheina,
(a special needs child.)
Thank you very much.
Did I ever complain to you?
Did I ever say take her back?
You have tested me and you have tested me.
I think I passed, maybe not with flying colors -
but passed nonetheless.
It's about her Seizures, that I would like to discuss with you today.
They are always frightening.
Unfortunately, I think I have sort of become accustomed to them.
Any loud "bang" -
Uh oh, Sheina.
I run,
she is on the floor blue and shaking...
But Ribono Shel Olam !
What happened ??
What did You do today?
The regular seizures, weren't good enough to break me???
Not enough that You once gave her a seizure while i was washing her in the shower??
Not enough that during her recent seizure she fell flat on her face lost a tooth ???
(Which by the way, we are still going for appointments to take care of. And You know how much I hate appointments.)
Yes, I must admit You were always kind enough to at least make sure else was home with us.
Whether it was to pass her a pillow, to time the length of it, or to lift her out of the bath.
Someone to help me carry her into bed.
Or just someone to be with me, to stop my shaking...
Do I thank You for this consideration?
I guess so. Boruch Hashem. I Thank You G-d.
Oh, I would also like to thank You for the time that You made me look at her at the exact second I did, and so managed to catch her in mid-air.
That was something!
I never kvetch to You about her.
(Okay maybe i do, once in while…)
But I take it.
I call it a "G-D Made Problem."
Those problems, we just take.
We don't have a choice.
But today, G-d Almighty, you broke me!
Not only was I home alone,
(yes, my two and a half year old was home, You try getting her to help...)
But Master of the Universe,
Such a WHAM?!
I heard the scratch of the chair -
ran to the room...
find her flat on her face, in a pool of blood, blue and shaking....
I know not to move her, but hey, I got to see where she is bleeding from.
Forget timing her, (if she convulses for too long we need to call 911.)
I grab a towel, put it under her face.
Her hair is in blood, I think I should tie it back.
While trying to support her head, so she doesn't hurt herself more,
I ask, beg, cajole and finally yell for the two and a half year old to please get me a ponytail holder.
Two and a Half year old: " Why is it red?
Where does Sheina have a boo boo?"
The more I yelled, the slower she went.
Then, knock, knock, knock, knock....
I'm thinking, "Yes, maybe someone came home to help me."
For by now Sheina is very agitated.
I'm nervous.
I don't want her choking on the blood.
Knock, knock, knock, knock...
I cannot get up to get the door, for I'm supporting her head, watching her, trying to get her out of the blood, cleaning her as much as i can...
and trying to answer Two and a half year old's ninety nine questions as calmly as possible.
(She is traumatized as it is.)
Between clenched teeth I asked Two-and-a-half year old to answer the door.
"No." she says.
Gritting my teeth,
"You must answer the door...."
She starts to go.. then comes back...
"I scared.."
Finally....
It's the neighbor's kid, he left his ball here earlier.
Shucks.
Now Sheina wants to get up, to go to bed.
She needs support otherwise she will fall again and hurt herself.
But, You see Master Planner,
I don't really have the strength to lift her by myself..
I guess You wanted to show me that I do, but did You forget it’s so hard on my back?...
Painstakingly, I managed to clean her, change her clothes, support her up, walk her to bed, change her diaper...
Oh no, Sheina is about to fall again,
Wham! half on, half off the bed.
All the while, mind You, Two-and-a-half year old barraging me with her string of questions...
Swollen lip, deformed cheek, bloody nose.
Only You, G-d, knows the extent of the damage inside her mouth.
And only You G-d, knows the extent of the damage inside my heart.

MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE !
Today you have broken me.
PLEASE DON'T DO IT AGAIN!
Thank you.

Yours truly,
DLM,
Your Faithful Soldier.

P.S.
Tonight before I went to sleep, as usual I began my, "Kriyas Shema Al Hamita"
Thinking of anyone I might need to forgive.
As usual, I began, “Ribono Shel Olam! Hareini Mochel l’chol mi she-hichis… I hereby forgive anyone who has angered or vexed me, or sinned against me, either physically or financially, against my honor or anything else that is mine....” etc etc…
I then stopped in mid sentence.
Thought about today’s harrowing experience and started again.
RIBONO SHEL OLAM HAREINI MOCHEL !. (Period.)
You build me character.
You make me stronger.

Thank you.
Your Loyal Servant.

3 comments:

"On my achrayis" said...

Philanthropic....
that is my word.

Scraps said...

[sigh]

This story is beautiful, but it also makes me want to cry...

come running said...

I feel grateful and sorry that it's at someone else's expense. At least I only have one child to explain his problems too.