Sunday, July 29, 2007

My Story with the UK (Part III)

On Shabbos, I was tellin my UK story to some people and they hardly believed it. Well, I dunno, I didn't just land on ur German doorstep stam kacha. So, here goes the rest of my story...

Read Part I here
Read Part II here

So I fill in 'Chava Java', right, and I'm all full of grins. Tryin to make the best of this crazy sitch. And there WERE some fun/ny moments. Like when I asked the two nice guys what's the shortest time anyone was kept there, and they answered 'five minutes'. My gasp of relief turned into a gasp or horror, however, when I heard how long the longest 'imprisonment' had been-42 and a half hours! Yup, you read that correctly (if you read forty two and a half hours, that is. otherwise, you read that incorrectly). Or when they joked that they got the job cuz they too were stopped once, years and years ago, and unable to receive permission to leave, they just got a job in the office.

I was rather impressed with the humor.

Once, I was lookin for something in my bag (I think twas a chitas to say shema from) and I was makin a lot of noise cuz I was draped in a really noisy silver foil kind of blanket that keeps body heat in..anyhow they were watching me and when they asked what i was lookin for, i said ''if i make a joke about lookin for a bomb, is that ok?'' and they answered somethin to the effect of ''sure its ok. (long pause durin which i look surprised and mischievous) if you wanna spend the next long while in prison''. i thought that was funny.

At one point, a rather serious and official looking official entered the 'waiting room'. I look up and in a VERY innocent and earnest voice, I ask "Are you ALSO a criminal?" He was a bit thrown off balance (i mean, man! the guy was COVERED in badges and tags and vus noch!) so I clarified-"Listen, I dunno who you are, but I just assumed that if u came in here, ur a criminal. cuz this place is for criminals" I dont remember what he answered, but I think it was a polite 'no'. 2 older guys tell me-uh dear, if that's the case, ur also a criminal.

o. gulp.

hehe stam stam. that part wasnt scary. we made lotsa jokes like that. i told them that i dont want the israeli near me cuz hes a criminal. they remind me im also a criminal. yknow, stuff like that.

um what else happened then? gosh its so long ago, im forgettin... ma, remind me.

oh! so i tell israeli--there must be some reason why we both got stopped here together. come, why don't u put on tefillin. so he rolls up his sleeve. joke. so i say, i have a dvar malchus with me, lets learn something (i was debatin it for a long time and finally decided to offer..) so he agrees and i was kinda shocked and i decided to learn s/t on 17 Tammuz and Three Weeks. and the rebbe is saying how 17 is gematria of tov, and shiva asar b'tammuz is good, and all kinds and levels of good and it will get better and wow, i didnt even realize what we were sayin till a few hours later. then i was just glad to be elevatin them Sparkies sittin around. i hear him mutterin to himself--'whats the reason i got stopped here? what does hashem want from me? maybe i was not spiritually ready to leave eretz yisroel. what could be the reason?' i was totally blown away (not literally, silly. he wasn't a terrorist!). such emunah, walla. so ya we both did a bit of nefesh cheshboning. well i tried to but i was hungry. suddenly realizing that the fast may be startin any moment (twas about 2am) i call rabbi d (with israelis calling card ahem, took it out his sleeping hands hehe) and ask him when the fast starts. ''oh it started already''. WHAT?! oy good thing i called now...

i asked the ppl if i was the best behaved 'customer' and they said probably. apparently, ppl come in yelling and threatening sometimes. i say 'ya but its not helpin me to be polite, understanding, you think things will go faster if im rude and nasty??'. 'no', they say. 'oh', i say.

k so interviewer comes in, HUGE meano shvartzeh. listen, im not saying that all shvartzehs are meanos or that all huge meanos are shvartz. im just sayin what he was. so he drags me (--tells me to go) to small glass room. plops me (--tell me to sit) down. so he asks final questions and is markin my answers down in first person. which is rather scandalous cuz he never had me confirm/sign my answers. and he wrote things i didn't agree with. b'kitzur there were many scandalous things done during this whole mayseh that i hope my lawyer friend (hi lawyer friend :) ) will deal with, if she's not sick of this whole mayseh already. anyhow, during the interview (aka KGB interrogation), after I gave my answer for something, I say ''excuse me?" (again, in that totally innocent/slight ditzy voice). "I see here on ur official papers that it says my name but the line underneath where it says 'also known as' (aka 'aka'), is empty. Can i please fill it in cuz i have a nickname?' (yes, i was trying extremely hard not to burst out laughing. yknow, that was a big problem that teachers had with me, in skewl. I always toed the line without really crossing it. always asked questions with such innocence...heehee) so he finds no reason to refuse and kinda uncertainly asks me what it is. I say 'it's two names. the first one is 'chava' like my real first name. you can look over there to see how it's spelled. and the second one is 'java'. it sounds almost the same, rhymes, but its spelled 'j-a-v-a'. and the complete dork listens to me and follows my instructions. it was a beautiful moment. kinda like revenge against their whole serious official non compromising kaka system.

after a bunch more questions, he dismisses me.

soon after, israeli gets his verdict--he is being sent back to israel. i am freakin out more than he is. after he looks at the time of his departure, however, he too is 'freakin out'. it was like 3am, lets say, on July the 3rd. So his flight was 10pm on the 4th (aha, no wonder--the english are feelin bitter on this american holiday of independence). that's a long time away. anyhow i am telling him how e/t is hp bla bla. ya, well i dunno how open i was to that when they come in and announce MY verdict. in the small glass room, mind you.

so basically ya, ''...based on our interviews and the info we have, we have decided to-" (CAN U TALK A BIT FASTER GOSHDARNIT?!) "...refuse you entry into the UK because" (and the rest of his sentence was never heard cuz I shot him in the toe with my (stolen) M16 and ran out, grabbin the israeli with me, and snatchin as many Tradition Soups as possible.)

or not.

so the documents say im a domestic worker in a private home, somethin like that. i threw the papers down, had a mini tantrum and ya basically that was that. called my mum. couldnt call rabbi cuz was in mid of night. (right before my 7am flight i finally found a phone to text him that im comin back to sweden. hashem yishmor.) i tried explainin to israeli why my sitch was so different than his (when he reminds me of the whole hp deal)--for him, its a cancelled vacation. for me, its 2 months of plans, zapped. (oy its so much fun being master of my own writing). after england, i was supposed to continue travelling..i had a whole itinerary...what the heck am i gonna do in sweden now?!

ya well the airport ppl don't really care, apparently. they escort me to the plane. (oh how kind) they holdin my passport for me. (again, oh how kind) lady tells me we gonna cut the line. i tell her i feel like a criminal. she says, ''or like a movie star''. i answer ''oh! well if thats the case, here hold my bag for me''. ''woah, thats pushin it a bit'' she replies, startled. heehee.

ok so its free for all seating and since im on first i kinda have the whole plane at my fingertips. i look around frantically, tryin to think whats the 'best place' to choose. hmm, shivasar b'tammuz..17..good...ok, i head to row 17. now what? um, a chossid goes to the right. I choose seat 17A.

(to be continued)


mishmum said...

Oy very very matzchik !
I think it's even more funny now reading it.... the way you write, oy too good....
Shkoyach for the entertainment.

Scraps said...

Oysh. Stupid Brits. *sigh*

the sabra said...

Hehe ma-now we know the real deal bout chassidim going to the right ;D