Wednesday, July 18, 2007

My Story With The UK (Part II)

ok so im taken to the side. he takes my phone away. (as im textin the rabbi the exact details of what i told them officials). i ask to go to the bathroom. he says ok but he doesn't let me take my stuff with me. i ask again and again. he doesn't let. me-but i need to take my bag with me! he-why? me-cuz there are stuff in there that i need for my tiyul to the bathroom (trying REALLY hard not to roll my eyes). he-take out what you need and leave the rest here. me-i would rather not. why don't u search thru it for phones or whatever else it is that i cannot take with me and zehu? (no, he wasn't israeli. still isn't, actually). he-we cannot do that. back n forth n back n forth till i stomp off huffily to the bathroom (it was actually a bit fun cuz i don't do that kinda drama-the stomping off huffily- 'round 'normal' people hehe). when i come back, passport guy is surprised at my (exaggeratedly sullen face). me-well u didnt let me take my bag with me! he (sputtering)-u dont understand, do you? what would have happened if i had let you take ur stuff with you and u would have harmed urself or something? i could have lost my job! i have a family to support! a mortgage to pay off! me (what's the guys problem?! HIS kids food is more important than me putting on make-up??)-i don't care. im innocent.
ok so they stick me in a waiting room where i had earlier seen a middle eastern guy being led into. o great. me and arafat in a room. in the middle of the night. yay. two middle aged/older (last time i said 50 was old, i got wacked on the head for that) really gentle looking gentlemen are babysitting us. err guardin the room. ok so i get called into an interview room, glass windows all around (ITS IMPORTANT!) and he starts explaining my rights to me, or something like that. i see on the paper there that they have food available and also vegetarian etc. and because they also list that korans and mats are available for those who need it, so im assumin that there'll be kosher food as well. (ma, pipe down with assume) he says o i dunno. what can u eat? we have lots of sandwiches.. me-um are there any kosher sandwiches? he (its a different he now..a much nicer and more understanding one)-we have cheese, meat... me-no. forget sandwiches. what bout something else? he-sure, we have soup. two diff kinds. me-no no, nothing cooked or baked. what bout fruits or veggies? or canned items? he-hmmm no, none of that. but we have chicken salad. me (SHKOYACH)-what bout ur vegetarian meals? he-veggie soup. me (i dunno why im makin sucha big deal even, its not as if i was hungry then. o wait, the fast. shiva assur b'tammuz is startin in a few hours)-can i see ur food pantry??! he-yes we can go see it soon as we're done.
he asks some questions, mostly explaining the procedure to me--that i gonna wait in the waitin room while they review my details, then they will ask me more questions and take my fingerprints, ask me more questions, until they are satisfied and then they will decide if i can enter the UK or if i have to leave. me-u mean, WHEN i can enter the UK. not IF. he-well, they might refuse you entry for some reason or another. me (cuttin him off. literally. joke.)-nonono. not me. sorry.
so we chat a bit more, says hes been to israel. he can tell im jewish. how? by my eyes. walla. im quite pleased. im intrigued. i ask if he can tell everyone's nationality. pretty much, he says. remember, im a people watcher. that's my job. me-right! (ma ya u can calm down again hehe). so i fold my arms (JOKEEE). so i point to the guy in the waitin room (glass windows/walls, remember?) and ask if hes jewish. he-ya. me-WHAT?! he is?? is he israeli? he-yes. me-WHAT!??!? HE IS!??! u sure?? he speaks hebrew? he-yep. me-WHAT?!!? HE'S JEWISH, HE'S ISRAELI and ur keeping me in here?? let me out, i must talk to him! he-ok ok soon as we're done here. me-man o man, im glad i asked! he-ya, hes jewish. he also asked for kosher food. me-WHAT!?!? hehe stam.
so we finish up, i come out n head straight to the israeli. he (a third he. again ma, u can calm down :D)-az nu, mah itach? me (kiilu we've been friends for years)-lo yodat. od lo yodat mah yihiye. v'mah itcha? lama heim atzru otcha? and we chat for two seconds only cuz then they come to inspect my suitcase. back into the interview room, i go. suitcase on the table. i tell them (ye, another guy now. mr chirpy eager red faced earnest young dorky brit joins the crew. james, not to worry-not much competition goin on there.) so as he's opening the suitcase, i burst out 'wait!' he stops, surprised. i say, you can go thru it all u want but u better make sure to repack it properly so u can close it afterwards!. ok, hes cool with that. so he's goin thru everything and takin all documents and papers that he finds relevant (relevant? relevant?!? relevant to what?!?), with him. that includes going thru my wallet and my fifty thousand business cards, buy 10 bagels, get one free (holy land bagel estherrrrrrrrrr), tachaneh merkazit internet card, hakol! that also includes skimming my diary. and then taking it.
whatever. im still traumatized. (cuz of the next time they did'll hear about it later)
the good thing is that now i have a 'friend' in the vicinity and i can roll my eyes thru the glass window and my israeli friend can wave back sympathetically. uh he could but he doesn't. hes busy rollin HIS eyes and epes our eye rolling didn't match.
ok so he finishes goin thru EVERYTHING and halfway thru packin up my stuff, he turns to me-uh do you mind finishing? i think you can do a better job than i can. me (smirking/grimacing) ye ye. and as im repacking my stuff under his staring eyes (mind you!) i decide to do a bit of rearranging and switch the padding of my glass perfume bottle with the cushioning of my chevron mug. might as well. so i switch that. while he's waiting. and as im carefully wrapping up my stuff, i think-what the heck, and i unwrap the newly wrapped perfume and spray it on the guy. joke. i spray it on myself. very very nonchalantly. not at all as if its midnight in a immigration office. i look up at him indignantly (he hasn't said a word) and tell him-listen, you've taken up hours of my time, i can make u wait an extra one minute. he doesn't seem at all perturbed and tells me-its ok, im here all night.
so we leave. im chucklin to myself still. i go sit down. they come to take my suitcase away. they gotta lock it up. but no worries, i can take whatever i want from it whenever i want. guess they not scared im gonna HARM myself anymore. sheesh. k so we go to lock it up in the food storage place and walla, first thing i see is a bunch of Tradition Soups. now listen, i haven't eaten those in years, never liked it, never cared for it (only to take from my little brothers plates when they weren't watching. for the thrill, yknow) but man, those soups jumped at me like old pals. neat.
what's more neat is that from the gabillions (real number) of ppl that coulda been stopped, there is only ONE other person. and hes a jew. totally a Hand here.
then they come to take my fingerprints. and they're apologizing. im laughing. they're explaining that its only for their office use, not police or anything. im laughin even harder.
me n israeli continue chatting. he's been stopped cuz of his 'chaver metumtam'. lamah? well its his first time out of israel (his name is eli, btw) and he takes a spontaneous trip to england to visit his friend. me-what does ur friend do in england? he-i dont know, i never asked him. me-ok. so he gets to the airport and he doesn't have the friends address or something like that (gosh, how irresponsible. im telling you...!) me-what were u plannin on doing? he-i was going to call him. me-so what happened? he-well i have israeli passport and i didnt have his address, nu its not a big deal i have other friends there. me-how is he ur friend? he-we was in the tzava together. a few years ago. we were in touch for a little after that. me (lolll) gotcha. az mah karah? so basically airport ppl call his friend yknow to confirm a few things and friend has ZERO idea of whats goin on, who is eli that's coming, no im not expecting anyone v'chulu v'chulu. uh right. thats cuz this was a surprise trip. and b'kitzur, thats how he landed up in that waiting room together with me. uh, in the same waiting room as i was in. ;)
so its after 1am now probably. (plane landed at 10pm approx) im gettin hungry. i see a can of corn in my bag. i ask to eat it. they say no. i say yes. they say ok, pour it in a cup and well examine it and then u can eat it. i say YOU'RE JOKING. then i remember that they are english and that they're immigration border police control people and definitely NOT joking. i pour the corn in a cup and after thorough examination, im granted permission. i eat.
rabbi d' is textin me away askin if im ok etc etc but i cant text back (yes they gave me my phone back) cuz of service or whatever. poor guy.
on the forms that they gave me that lists why i was stopped (reason-answers given were not satisfactory), there is a space for them to type in my nickname, under my name. it was blank. i asked nice older gentleman official why they didn't ask me my nick and if i can fill it in. he says sure but its my own paper, no one is gonna read it, i can do whatever i want with it. i joyfully fill in 'chava java'. i grin.
life's good.

(to be continued)
( again, i am in NO WAY rereadin this, so i apologize for things that don't make sense. and btw, like i just explained to imi--im writin this half for all u guys who keep askin me whats goin on with me and why i got stopped/refused etc..and half for myself. so tack. o and ya, maybe ill be done by sukkos. MAYBE)


imaych said...

So far i've been laughing,you should reread it, its really humourous.(Sorry, laughing at your cheshbon.)
Please, please keep going, dont care even if its till Chanuka....

the sabra said...

i just reread it as per ur advice. i jumped a bit when i read that i sprayed the guy with my perfume. LOL.

but imi, i didn't mean you had to rave about it..just don't tell me to write and then make fun...heivant?
(btw if there is any hebrew that u don't understand, so just ask me)

Lady-Light said...

See, Sabra? I'm making up for lost time by commenting on almost every single solitary post you have here --I've been deprived of your blog!
I just picked myself up off the floor after reading this post. It must have been awful while you were there, but hey, it is hysterically funny--can't wait to read more!

Chaya said...

what?? the sabra wears makeup???

Scraps said...

Oh my goodness...stupid stuffy Brits...


It would be funny if it weren't so freakin annoying.

cookie said...

this is great fun
you should charge...

the sabra said...

heehee ur all mishug

the sabra said...

And again I believed myself about spraying my perfume on the guy. Hehe I'm mishug.