Tuesday, December 05, 2006

They laughed when I asked her "Actually, who has time to read anyhow?" and explained, " we have to be mekabel pnei moshiach tzidkeinu" and concluded, "I'm thinkin I should just leave the book here."

They laughed cuz they thought the sabra was just being funny...being sarcastic...maybe showing off?

Or maybe they laughed cuz they felt uncomfortable...cuz they know it's true...cuz it hurts?

But I was serious. I was serious when I said it's pointless to borrow 'stam' books now. I have no time to read it. I can't read it. When should I read it? If I'm sitting down to read something, should it not be chassidus?

How can I sit down to stam read when times are so tense? Moshiach is standing at the threshold, 'ut ut koomt moshiach' and I'm reading stam? The F"R said that we are like soldiers waiting to greet our general. We all are standing in a line, ready and waiting. The only thing left to do is to polish the buttons of our uniform. Came our Rebbe, and said-The buttons have been polished! All the nitzutzim have been mevarer already. There is nothing left to do.
Ah so why is Moshiach not here? Ani Yodaaaaat...?? Moshiach, our general, is about to come in-the soldiers are standing stiffly at attention. They are excited and not surprisingly, a bit anxious-they have been preparing for this moment since they have joined the army! To greet their general and make him proud.
So that's our job now, said the Rebbe-we need to be "mikabel pnei Moshiach Tzidkeinu". That's all. We simply need to greet our General.
How can we do that? The Rebbe gave us plenty of hora'os, plenty of instructions-and don't forget, its now in our hands. The Rebbe told us that he's giving it to us.
I got chills when I heard the words of the Rebbe that everything he has done until now has been for naught, for moshiach is still not here. We need to get out of our golus pnimi. Forget world darkness-each one of us is harboring our own chunk of darkness and falsity. Get rid of that and then ye can start sniffin out ur window for Geula.
Ach I don't like that-I want the other way around, the easier one. The one where Hashem brings geula to the world and then by default our harbored chunks crumble and disappear. But who asked my opinion? And the crazy thing is that it's for our own good this way. Hashem only does what's good for us. Yet, we are still told to cry 'ad mosai', to demand from hashem to take us out of this bitter bitter golus. But oy, listen to what the Rebbe says! The rebbe says that even when we DO cry out ad mosai, even when we shout it to the heavens while our tears fall to the ground; even when we bang our hearts with our fists while we hug our fellow with out arms-even then, our ad mosai is not sincere. Rather it is cried out because we have been told to. Because we know that's what the Rebbe expects from us.
REBBE!!! How can you say that?!?! What more do you want from us??? You yourself said you cannot do any more, you yourself said you don't know why Moshiach has not come yet!! What can we do???? It's not fair, Rebbe! We are nothings, we are nobodys. But Rebbe we've done so much, worked so hard. We've conquered countries, built empires, Rebbe! Rebbe why'd you go? We never thought you'd leave. It doesn't change my avodah now, it doesn't. You are part of my life now as you were then. Now that I've grown older and even grown up in some ways, now you are even more a part of my life. Or rather, I feel it more. Cuz for you, it never changed. Listen, I don't complain and give excuses-Oh I didn't grow up with it. I didn't go to farbrengens when I was young. I don't have the same memories like everyone else. I don't know the Rebbe like they all do-they, those mashpi'im, those rebbetzins, those women, those speakers, those bochurim, those fathers, those uncles, those teachers. I have the Rebbe just like they do. I don't complain. I am happy that they got to see you and hear from your mouth directly, but Rebbe, I know that where I am is Hashgocha Pratis. If Hashem would have wanted me to grow up with it as they have, so I would have. No, my problem is not that you are not with me physically, no that's not it. My problem is that we are still in golus. And i know that even though you said that you are giving it over to us, I know that you are working even harder now on our behalf. Cuz duh, we are your children. I know it. But it's so hard.

I feel the tension. I was so caught up in his words that the dining room faded and I think I was sliding off my chair. He knew all the answers. But funny thing is, funny thing is that he's still in golus as well. Funny. Ha.

It's not funny, no. It's serious. It's serious and it's scary.

So I don't understand why they were laughing.
I really don't.
Do they not realize that the general is coming? Do they honestly think they can cram in a few chapters while they wait? Are they not nervous? Do they not hear his footsteps? Do they not believe it?

I'm nervous. I'm so nervous when I'm aware.

I'm trying to stay aware all the time.

I'm not laughing.


the sabra said...

how can i stick in my headphones as i walk outside when I know the air needs to be purified?

how can i talk of trivial or worse, ch'v, when i think of the stones mockin me when moshiach comes?

how can i sit n watch a movie when there are yidden living in my world that do not yet know who is the Baal Habayis of the world?

the sabra said...

Ah but sometimes you need to just relax and re-energize without focusing on anything deep? Let your mind and soul breathe for a change?


You can still read books and listen to music and watch movies---chassidus ones.

Nu, you can't relax with chassidus, you say.

Listen, not all chassidus is 'heavy'. It's all important, it's all huge concepts and worlds, true-but one can definitely read something chassidus that's a bit 'lighter'. Stories of our Rebbeim for one.

Oh but you want something well written? Words that make you tingle? Images that rush through your mind? Ideas that make your head ache? Tell me, who can you claim can do all that better than the Frierdiker Rebbe?

You are 'sick of niggunim'? Feh, then a) you don't appreciate and know fine music and b) you are forgetting the effects on your soul.

There is something in Chassidus for everyone. Obviously. Cuz truth is the same from beginning to end, from me to you.

Truth changes not.

anonym00kie said...

the sabra, i dont mean to interrupt, you seem to be in a very heated discussion with yourself :) but..
i think what you wrote is amazingly beautiful and inspiring
i also know that those exact words can be said in a destructive way.

its not just about relaxing or cramming in a few more chapters.. its about balance, and using energy you have without burning out. its about holding back on the passion and the inspiration and the high.. so that you dont use it all up and crash.
of course im not suggesting "taking a break", we cant take a break from reality.. but its about finding balance and listening to yourself and your needs. reading, music.. those are physical needs, just like eating or sleeping, and no one would suggest to skip those.

mendy said...

Very intense.
As a side matter, when I read your profile, it reminded me of this Dvar Torah and story; http://www.chabad.org/library/article.asp?AID=113865

the sabra said...

anonymook- you are a soldier.
your thoughts, your feelings, your motions-they are all of a soldier. you came as a civilian but now, after years of training and practice, you are a soldier.
you have always longed to meet the general, but dear, that is a privilege reserved for but a few.
ahh but your will was so strong, your desire so great.
so you worked. you begged them to tell you what you can do so you can merit a meeting nay, a glance of the general.
and then finally they turn to you and say 'ok anonymook, the time has arrived. you have proven yourself worthy for that which many yearn for but only few merit. because you have toiled so hard these past few years-because yo have given yourself up to the army in order to achieve your goal, you can join the elite group that will be meeting with the general tonight.'
you gasp in surprise. you KNOW you deserve it but to hear it spoken out loud like that makes you feel small, makes you tremble. but hey, if they said ok, you aint gonna be the one to argue, will you?
so you run off and tell ur friends (and some laugh) and you begin to do those last minute preparations to impress the general and make sure he realizes that you are worthy of his visit and that it's not a last minute thing-you have been longing to see him for years now and your entire life has been centralized on that one future glance.
what last minute preparations? you iron your uniform and don it with trembling hands. you take out your medals with a mixture of bursting pride and true humility and you pin it on. you wash your boots till they shine as ur medals do, and of course the hall is spick and span. and then, you sprint your way over to the hall-you mustn't be late now!
you take your place at the end of the long line and you wait together with your fellow comrades.
you are waiting for the general.
while you are waiting, you notice that your buttons can use a bit of an extra shine.
so you polish it while you wait.
and wait
and wait
and wait
your heart is pumping so loud, you are forgetting who you are as you begin to squirm-what happened to soldier like stance??
your mind begins to wander, memories come and go, and suddenly your buddy snaps his fingers sharply and swiftly.
you jump to attention, utterly ashamed that you have 'let go' for a moment.
but you don't see the general.
you turn to him in confusion, and he whispers-'im just warning you anonymook, he will be here any second. do you want to be caught as unaware as you have just been?'
ooh he's right
you are back to attention
and though you are sweaty, you are calm, and though you are still, you are nervous.
you are waiting
and waiting
he will be here any minute-you know it
he has never let anyone down before-he never breaks a promise
so you are waiting
and waiting
and then suddenly-

tell me anonymook, you gonna pull out a novel now in order to find balance and tend to your physical needs?

the sabra said...

thanks for that link, mendy. i just read it and really liked it. the last story gives me chills every time i hear it.

anonym00kie said...

sabra.. yes
especially if theres a risk ill get so frustrated while waiting that ill walk away and stop waiting for him. im a human, not an angel, i need to outmsart my yetzer hara, and my y'h knows that if i push past my limits, ill break down.. so.. i outmsart it by taking care of my physical needs before they overcome me.

anonym00kie said...

sabra, dont think i dont appreciate your enthusiasm and dedication and purity of faith..
i guess ive just fallen too many times not to know my own human weaknesses..

Chaya said...

cept ur forgetting that its been many generations waiting in line. were waiting cuz we were born waiting to people who were born waiting, etc. we dont have the same enthusiasm

the sabra said...

not true chaya.
previous generations were busy fighting the enemy, previous generations were learning and training, previous generations were readying and preparing.

tis only OUR generation that has finally finished up e/t and can announce with a clear conscience that we are ready to "greet moshiach tzidkeinu".

our enthusiasm should be greatest. we are the ones that are greeting the general while it has been others that have been workin for hundreds of years before us to get us to this point...