Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Real Stage Fright

Walking home (!) this evening, I was in a really cheery mood. I was so grateful to Hashem for everything, so happy and so relaxed. I was grinning huge. I looked heavenward, noticing but not caring about the cold rain and the wind ripping across the darkened skies, and quite audibly (mega smile still in place) said "Thank You, Hashem".

As I'm looking upward, I think of all that's goin on up there. I know there are thousands and thousands of malachim and tzadikim sitting and learning our holy Torah. Some are at shiurim and some are learning chavrusah style. Verses are being quoted by the quotees themselves; argumentative and piercing words have never sounded so friendly and pleasant. They are immersed in the thoughts of Hashem yet at the same time, they are also very aware of the goings on down here in this world. So, quite naturally I continued with a "Hi, Malachim". Y'know, just in case they want regards. I'm still grinning.

And then wham! It hits me. Ooh it hits me. Hard. Paaaaainfully hard.

You see, the malachim are all looking down at me and I'm stage fright.

Extremely stage fright.


And what do I do, silly sabra? I simply say 'hi'. "Hi"?? HI??? Court cases are in session, deeds are being weighed, lives are being assessed, souls are being flung, the scale is trying to balance, evidence is being searched for-and all I say is hi???


Grin disappears, relaxation is a word in the dictionary, and I think fast and hard and then (without any thought at all really), it's obvious-I gotta make my ancestors proud. All of em.

I begin reciting Perek 32 of Tanya by heart. My voice is quivering, my hands are trembling. You see, this is no regular stage fright, oh no-this is fright from bein on the Real Stage.

Real Stage fright.

With real consequences. It's real, oh boy.

For what will the Alter Rebbe think if I skip a line? What will the Rebbe say if I mispronounce a word? How will my Zeide feel if the words of Edgar Allen Poe or Eyal Golan were to come from his granddaughter's mouth?

I am walking like a drunkard now, yet I've never been as sober; I can't see properly yet I've never experienced such clarity in my life. I'm feeling weak; my strength is derived from holding onto our holy words alone.

As I turn the last corner, I feel a relief previously unexperienced by man, shadowed by a strange and very throbbing fear.
Kind of how I feel every time I get off a stage.

But this was different. This was a Real Stage.


anonym00kie said...

Hashem really has mercy on us.. imagine if we were that aware all the time? we'd spend our lives in a state of panic

Nemo said...

Rebbe once said...

"When a Bochur walks in Bondi Junction {neighborhood in Sydney} with a hat, jacket and his tzitzis out, the Malachim in Atzilus are jealous of him.

wandering said...

whoah. I feel it. Freaky.

But whats wrong with edgar allen poe?

the sabra said...

well we ARE told 'shiviti hashem l'negdi tamid'. we really SHOULD aim to think like that all the time. eh that's what i think, at least.

wow, i like that. it gives me chills. reminds me of hayom yom of vav iyar, how we are holchim and malachim, omdim.

(forgot ur password?)
happy that my literary hero 'felt it'.

poe-klipas nogah? not sure..but if you have once chance to elevate a street-shouldn't it be done? and anyhowwwwww, what doesn't bring you up, brings you....

Avi said...

Oy, poor Sabra. If she only knew that angels have x-ray vision... EVEN around corners...

Reminds me of a number of stories, none of which are short enough for me to type. But they're good. And funny.

It's the thought that counts.