ok wandering, i can post this now. i still don't think its postworthy, but at least its not 'fresh'. i dont feel so connected anymore. its not a chunk of my heart anymore. its almost not shayach to me bichlal. G-d knows what will be. (see post about G-d planning as soon as the sabra laughs) p.s. ill prob have to take it down as soon as the mum sees it.
How I Got To The Point in My Life Where I ‘Just Had To Make Aliyah'
I don’t know what ‘enhances one’s candidacy for aliyah services’, but I do know what I feel in my heart.
All my life, I imagined what Israel was like and would dream that one day I, too, would be granted the privilege of walking on its holy, history-drenched soil. A year and a half ago my dream was realized when I stepped off the plane in Ben Gurion airport. I was there to study in a seminary for the year but really, really I was there to spend a year of spending and saving, yelling and telling, touring and exploring, tasting and wasting and LIVING in my land. Yes, Eretz Yisroel is the rightful inheritance of every single Jewish person; and thus the main thing was ‘simply’ to be here.
June came around all too soon, and off we all went. Never to be seen again. Well, not quite. I missed Israel so much, missed the warmth and genuineness of the natives, missed the courage and tenaciousness of the 'settlers', missed the blunt yet kind and caring atmosphere in the buses, shops and waiting rooms, missed the feeling of 'belonging' and most of all, I missed the holiness of the land. I missed walking on the grounds that our forefathers walked on. And thus, I had to come back.
With the help of G-d, I was granted the opportunity to return after that summer, and I have been living here ever since. More than once a day, I mentally (and often verbally, as well) thank G-d for giving me this wonderful, almost unbelievable opportunity: to be living here in Jerusalem. My day consists mainly of volunteering in an outreach center in the Old City and learning Torah in Geula. But of course, every moment and action of my day, whether I am grocery shopping in the famous Machane Yehuda “shuk”, running to catch a bus from the Central Bus Station, admiring and taking pictures of soldiers, struggling to understand the Hebrew radio station or waiting on line in the bank, is so unique and reminds me how grateful I am to be living the ‘Israel life’.
Many people ask me how it is that I am 'not scared to live in Israel'. I don't understand the question. Is G-d found any less, as it were, in His Home and Capital than the rest of the world? The Torah states that Eretz Yisroel is a land on which "…. tamid einei hashem elokeicha bah, mei’reishis ha’shanah v'ad acharis ha’shanah" ("the eyes of Hashem are continuously on it, from the beginning of the year until the end of the year"). Furthermore, if my people are suffering so much here, in the land that G-d gave us as a gift and an inheritance, how can I sit contentedly across the world? By being here, I show the Jews here that I am with them, that I believe as they do and I support them every step of the way. There is nothing that brings me greater satisfaction than the smiles of relief and gratitude that appear on the faces of Jews living all over Israel, when they hear that there is no place in America I would choose over their yishuv or city: be it Chevron, Netanya, Bat Ayin,Tel Aviv or Metula. It is a tremendous mitzvah and zechut to be here.
Yet, all this time it's a bit of a contradiction; I live here but I am still an American citizen. All my family is back in the States, I'm struggling with the language and I'm not making any money! Thus, the next step is to make aliyah. I need to be grounded here; not one foot here and one foot there. I need to be stable so I can start a family here and be here forever. I need to know that I am in Israel for ‘good’.
Please help me live in the place where I know I belong.